


How It Should Be

by 3ALover



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Eventual Happy Ending, Heartbreak, M/M, Misunderstandings, Retirement, Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-04
Updated: 2018-06-13
Packaged: 2019-03-26 21:33:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 25,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13866444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/3ALover/pseuds/3ALover
Summary: The Olympics bring a certain freedom for athletes who spend their whole lives training for one event. The air of the Olympic Village inspires acts of irresponsible whim-following that regularly disciplined athletes never allowed themselves to carry out any other time or place. Fantasies come true. Real life doesn't exist. The future is no matter. Yuzuru Hanyu has been waiting for years for the day that Javier would give in and choose him, because he has always known that one day they would get their happy ending.When his patience seems to be rewarded, Yuzuru discovers that not everything is exactly how he dreamed it would be. Sometimes the fantasy is just that- a fantasy that will matter no more after the Olympics end than it did before they started.





	1. Pyeongchang: 2018

**Author's Note:**

> This is the one I posted on tumblr about you guys HATING ME over. 
> 
> THIS IS JUST PART 1 OF ~~2~~ 3 (I wrote too much and realized I needed 3 parts)
> 
> ! I promise, I won't let it end this way. JUST HAVE FAITH I ME!!!!

Yuzuru didn’t know what had come over Javier, or what had come over himself even, but the last thing he expected when he got to his hotel room was to get just enough time to unpack and shower before there was a knock at his door. He expected it might be Brian, so he opened the door without looking, and was surprised to see Javier. “Oh, hi,” he said, greeting him with a big smile. 

Javier grinned. “I heard you were here now,” he said, and Yuzuru stepped aside, letting him come in. “I wanted to see you.” Yuzuru was surprised by that, but welcomed it. 

Javier had been distant lately, and Yuzuru had just assumed it was the Olympic nerves. They were, after all, still each other’s top competitors. He was hoping this meant that he and Javier could share a fun Olympic experiences together as the friends they were, not the competitors they were. “Did you go to Opening Ceremony?” Yuzuru asked as he sat on his bed, looking at Javier expectantly. Javier walked around and looked at the other bed, raising an eyebrow that clearly asked if he could sit there. Yuzuru patted the bed beside him. “Roommate is snowboard guy,” he said, scrunching his nose. “I do not know him so maybe he do not want person sitting.”

“Snowboard guy, huh?” Javier asked with a teasing look.

Yuzuru had a sudden thought as Javier sat beside him. “How you get inside?” he asked. “Coach can enter Japan house but how you do it?”

Javier grinned. “Japanese people love me, Yuzuru, don’t you remember?” he joked and Yuzuru giggled.

“You smile at girl, huh?” he asked, and Javier winked. Yuzuru rolled his eyes. “You crazy,” he said, smiling at Javier. “It okay, I like crazy Javi, too.”

Javier looked at Yuzuru with a confusing look that Yuzuru didn’t understand. It was almost like he was searching his face for something. Yuzuru tilted his head expectantly and Javier smiled a strange smile. “I am glad you are here. This season has felt so wrong for so many reasons,” he said, and Yuzuru nodded, thinking about their respective seasons. 

Javier started strong and then got sick and didn’t even make the Grand Prix Final for the first time in years. Yuzuru, too, had gotten injured and missed the Grand Prix Final, but his season had been even worse, without a single gold medal. Javier had a few strong showings while Yuzuru was gone, but it hadn’t been his best season by any means. “Hey, I watch you win European skate,” Yuzuru said, looking at him with a warm smile. “Omedetou, Javi.”

Javier smiled. “You watched?” he asked, and Yuzuru nodded.

“I come back to Canada in time to see. Some other skaters watch at rink. You do so good,” he said brightly. “Hope you do so good here, too,” he said earnestly. He loved Javier’s skating. He always had. Nobody else looked so natural on the ice. 

Javier smirked. “Better hold onto that one, Yuzu. I might beat you,” he teased and Yuzuru beamed.

“Maybe you do not,” he teased.

Javier rested his hand on Yuzuru’s thigh. “I really worried you wouldn’t make it,” he murmured, and Yuzuru knew he was looking at his ankle. “I don’t know if I could do my best here without skating against you once again.”

Yuzuru hummed, smiling faintly. “I must have hope I skate enough good,” he confessed. “Brian tell me not to say, but I am not full okay. It healing, but hurt some still.” He snorted. “I should not say to you. Now you know you can beat me,” he murmured.

Javier just chuckled. “I always think I can beat you if I try hard enough. This won’t help me. I’ve seen the results of you skating on a broken foot. A little pain never stops you,” he teased. After a moment, his hand moved and Yuzuru blushed slightly when it slid further up his thigh. Yuzuru was only wearing shorts after his shower, so Javier’s fingers on his skin was very obvious. “I hate to see you hurting, though.”

Yuzuru looked at Javier, his cheeks growing warm as Javier looked into his eyes. “Javi, hands,” he murmured, and instead of pull his hand away, Javier _slid his fingertips up Yuzuru’s shorts slightly_. Yuzuru’s eyes widened and he swallowed hard, willing his body not to react. “J-Javi?”

Javier looked at him closely, eyes locked with Yuzuru’s. “Do you want me to stop?” he asked, and Yuzuru failed to fight back a shiver at his tone of voice. Yuzuru wasn’t sure about some things, but there was no doubting what Javier was offering. “I want to while we still can.”

“W-why now?” Yuzuru whispered, trying to understand. 

Because this wasn’t new. They had never crossed the line, but Yuzuru wasn’t blind. He and Javier had always had _something_ between them. They were too close. Too affectionate. Their relationship was more a matter of words not said and looks never spoken about. Yuzuru knew Brian saw it, because he had subtly navigated keeping them far enough apart when things took obvious turns to let them make a mistake. When they got too close to acting on the thing between them, they got tense, and their friendship suffered from it. Yuzuru knew that on Javier’s side, part of it was a lack of desire to give in to the fact he wanted a man. He had never talked about it, but the way he handled certain situations made it clear Javier didn’t want to think about being interested in a man even if he had no issues with other men being together. Yuzuru didn’t want these feelings at all, for anyone. He thought desire and the emotions that he didn’t want to put words to in fear it would make them real were things that would hurt his drive and his motivation. 

“You know,” Javier whispered, and Yuzuru did know. 

This was the Olympics. Everybody knew that the Olympics were a free pass to live a little. Nobody stuck to their diet at the Olympics. Everybody (that wasn’t allergic like Yuzuru) drank way too much after their competition and training days were over. Nobody cared who slept with who, because so few of them had time for social lives to have sex with anyone normally. Though it was the pinnacle of competitive lives, it was also the first vacation most of them had time for in months or even years. Self-discipline for competition was at its highest at the Olympics, but self-discipline for personal desires was at its lowest. 

Javier came to him tonight because after a long, hard season, their coach was busy, Yuzuru’s mother wasn’t here, and nobody would care about who had disappeared into Yuzuru Hanyu’s room for the night, especially since his roommate was out. 

Yuzuru had felt the tension between them growing over the months they were together before Yuzuru got hurt, and he had wondered if maybe, since Javier was single again after the summer ended, that this would be the year when Javier gave up fighting what they both knew they felt for each other. Yuzuru was fine waiting, because he knew what he felt for Javier was something real and that, one day, Javier would stop denying that he felt the same. Yuzuru had time. He had waited for Javier to give into his feelings for nearly four years, he could wait longer. 

Now, however, Javier seemed to have decided that the Olympics was the time to give in to what they both felt. It seemed appropriate, Yuzuru mused as he looked into Javier’s eyes and put his hand on Javier’s where it rested on his thigh. Yuzuru lost his virginity at the Olympics in Sochi. There was a speed skater who took to talking to Yuzuru at breakfast – or trying since Yuzuru’s English had been even worse then – and before closing ceremonies, he had taken Yuzuru back to Japan House and they had spent the night together. Now, someone Yuzuru had feelings for had come to Japan House to be with him. 

“Kiss me,” Yuzuru whispered, cheeks flushing with heat, and Javier smirked slightly before doing what he asked. 

Kissing Javier was so different than any kiss Yuzuru had ever had. Not that he had had many. This one, however, _seared_. He knew it would be different to kiss Javier because of the feelings between them, but this was like lightening. He could feel Javier mumble something in surprise, his hand tightening around Yuzuru’s thigh, and he knew he felt it, too. Yuzuru whimpered as Javier pulled him closer, and Yuzuru only had a split second of thought that allowed him to pull away with a gasp. “I must put sign on door,” he said, and Javier looked surprised, but let Yuzuru free from his hands. 

Javier stayed on the bed while Yuzuru went to put the ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign on the doorknob and shut it back, locking the chain as well. When he came back, Javier raised an eyebrow. “Do you have a system for ‘having sex, come back later’?” he asked, and Yuzuru blushed.

“No, but I think it work,” he said, smiling bashfully as he headed back to the bed. When he got to the edge, Javier caught his hips and pulled him to stand between Javier’s knees. Yuzuru put his hands on Javier’s shoulders, looking down into his big, beautiful brown eyes closely. “Hi,” he whispered, and Javier grinned. 

“Take off your shirt for me,” he whispered, and Yuzuru bit his lip, trying to look more innocent than he was feeling.

“Shirt?” Yuzuru asked, tugging the hem of his baggy tee-shirt up just enough to show off his lower belly. He looked down at his belly and then cheated his eyes up to Javier, who was looking right back with a smirk. Yuzuru grinned. “What you want?”

“You know what I want,” Javier murmured, sliding his thumbs across the skin of Yuzuru’s exposed hips. Yuzuru tugged his shirt up _so slowly_ , getting it to his ribs before Javier slid his hands up his sides and took over, pulling the shirt up and over Yuzuru’s head. Javier looked at him and leaned in, pressing kisses to his abs. Yuzuru sighed, letting his head drop back and his eyes shut as he slid a hand into Javier’s curls. He loved Javier’s hair. 

Javier kissed up his chest and tugged gently, urging Yuzuru to crawl onto his lap. He fell back onto the bed, tugging Yuzuru down with him, and Yuzuru kissed him, knees on either side of Javier as he kissed him eagerly. Javier’s hands went to his ass, grinding up against Yuzuru, who moaned softly. Javier’s fingers on his skin was like fire that burned in the best way, but the feeling of Javier’s hardening bulge pressing against his, especially in his thin shorts, was a blaze that sent shivers up his spine. 

As their kissing and grinding grew more heated, Yuzuru pulled at Javier’s jacket in frustration, and Javier flipped them over, earning a squeak and then peals of laughter as he tossed Yuzuru onto the bed beneath him. He knelt between his knees, grinning as he took off his jacket and then pulled his shirt up, showing off all those delicious muscles. Yuzuru sighed, reaching out to trace a hand down Javier’s chest to his abs. “So much muscles,” Yuzuru moaned. Javier’s jacket slid off the bed and hit the floor with a thump, which probably shouldn’t happen when he could see the outline of Javier’s phone in his back pocket when he came in. “What make sounds?” he asked, looking over.

Javier was the one to look a little shy now. “I wanted to be prepared, just in case,” he said, and Yuzuru tilted his head questioningly. Javier leaned over and picked up his jacket, unzipping the pocket to pull something out. “I didn’t know, but I thought maybe it was better to have it in case,” he said, and Yuzuru took the bottle of lube from Javier, laughing at his bashful grin.

“You very sure I want,” he said, then sat the bottle aside. He tugged him down by the waist of his jeans, kissing Javier when he landed on top of him. “Maybe not, because I must do practice tomorrow,” he said with an apologetic tone, wrapping his legs around Javier. He didn’t feel too bad about missing out on that experience, because he knew they could do that some other time. He did it to himself often enough he could only imagine how good it would be to have Javi’s cock inside of him. He shivered at the thought, and tightened his hold around Javier with his legs, grinding their lengths together. “Want touching,” he murmured, and Javier nodded, reaching down to pull at Yuzuru’s shorts. Yuzuru lifted his hips and then, once they were down over his ass, he lifted his legs and let Javier pull them off. 

Javier groaned, looking at Yuzuru’s long legs in front of him. “Fuck,” he said, lowering Yuzuru’s thighs down until they were spread on either side of him. “Your legs,” he moaned, sliding his hands down the insides of Yuzuru’s thighs. Yuzuru shivered, moaning at the feeling of big, warm hands on his sensitive skin. 

“Jabi,” he mumbled, sliding his hands over his own middle, fighting the urge to touch himself, afraid it might end too soon if he got too excited. Javier, however, didn’t seem to care, because Yuzuru’s eyes had barely fallen shut when suddenly Javier shifted and Yuzuru felt lips on his throat and a hand curling around his length. “Ah!” he gasped, whining. “Oh, Javi,” he sighed, sliding a hand into his hair. 

Javier slowly kissed Yuzuru’s skin, drawing pleasure from his every touch. “I won’t leave marks,” he promised, and Yuzuru nodded, whining when Javier bit gently at his throat, just enough to feel the pleasure without risk of leaving any marks. Yuzuru arched, gasping and moaning, especially when Javier slid his body down until his hips were pressed against Yuzuru’s, grinding his length against Yuzuru’s. He moaned against Yuzuru’s throat when Yuzuru’s legs came up to wrap around him again. “You and your legs,” he chuckled, and Yuzuru tugged Javier’s lips to his, kissing him hard. He reached over, scrambling for the lube, grabbing it before pushing Javi back some.

“Like this, I want this,” he said, then pushed Javier out of the way some so he could wrap a lubed hand around them both so the slide of their cocks grinding together would be smoother. Javier nodded, and in minutes they were thrusting against each other, both panting and moaning as their bodies moved together sloppily. 

Doing it like this felt more like a tease, which Yuzuru liked. Neither of them were going to finish too quickly, because every thrust in just the right pressure changed when one of them moved and the pleasure was harder to chase. Javier’s kisses, however, gave him no respite. He had never been kissed so deeply and for so long. His lips hurt in the best way, making them puffy and ultra-sensitive. He _loved_ it. Javier couldn’t keep his hands still, either. He had almost all of his weight rested on Yuzuru, knowing Yuzuru was sturdy enough to handle it, so his hands were free to grab his hips, his ass, his thighs, his chest, and even stray into his hair. 

What he liked best though, was when Javier caught his hand and twisted their fingers together, tugging his wrist up to trail kisses along his arm and wrist. Yuzuru felt worshipped. He felt like Javier’s feelings were overflowing and he couldn’t help but kiss every inch of Yuzuru’s body he was able to. When Javier looked into his eyes, Yuzuru wanted to cry. Javier looked at him like this moment was all he ever wanted, and Yuzuru was the one thing he needed more than anything. He looked somewhere between scared and sad and elated and so, so desperate for Yuzuru. Yuzuru felt beautiful and powerful and like all he needed was for Javier to never stop wanting him the way he wanted him right now. 

Yuzuru was gasping and whining with every thrust as he grew closer, his nails digging into Javier’s shoulder and his other hand tangled in Javier’s hair, meeting his every thrust with the hold he had around Javier’s hips. “Javi, Javi, Javi,” he gasped, looking into his eyes. He couldn’t manage anything else coherent in English, so he just gave up on speaking. 

Javier, however, didn’t seem to care, because the words he said in Spanish sounded desperate and Yuzuru saw a _tear_ streak Javier’s cheek his passion reached such levels. “ _No quiero dejarte_ ,” he gasped, grabbing Yuzuru’s neck and jaw to hold him so he could look into his eyes as he spoke. “ _No podría irme sin darte esta noche. Los dos hemos querido esto por tanto tiempo. No podría despedirme sin saberlo. Y ahora lo sé. Sé que irse romperá mi corazón._

Even if he had no idea what he said, Yuzuru could see the feeling in Javier’s eyes that he knew was in his own heart, the one that had been there since forever, before the attraction had been, the feeling that had changed over time into something deeper until it was in his soul. He put his hand on Javier’s face, gasping as he looked into his eyes. “Jabi,” he moaned, his body growing closer and closer to the edge. “Unnnng,” he grunted. “I- I-“

“Are you going to come?” Javier moaned, looking into his eyes. “Come for me, come on,” he panted, and Yuzuru couldn’t disappoint, so he let go, crying out as he tipped over the edge, thrashing in Javier’s hold, whining desperately as he spilled between them, adding to the sweat-sticky mess all over their bodies. He whimpered as he came down and Javi kept moving against his sensitive body. He bit his lip, digging his fingertips into Javi’s shoulder until Javier groaned and came, startling a cry out of Yuzuru as he bit at his shoulder during orgasm. 

They lay together, panting and spent, and Yuzuru shivered, holding Javier close. Javier kissed his shoulder apologetically, murmuring soft words that made Yuzuru giggle. “I am thinking it is good thing my costumes all cover shoulders,” he said, and Javier laughed tiredly against his skin. 

“I’m sorry,” he said, pushing himself up. “I promised no marks and look what I did?” 

Yuzuru stroked his hair back and smiled sweetly. “It is okay. I do not go without shirt.” He wiped at Javier’s cheeks, still damp from sweat and the stray tear or two that spilled during such passionate lovemaking. “It is funny,” he murmured. “I do sex two times, and both time at Olympics.”

Javier frowned, rolling to the side, taking Yuzuru with him, pulling him onto his chest. “You had sex with someone else already? You literally just got here,” he said, looking strange, and Yuzuru laughed.

“No, oh my God.” He rolled his eyes. “Silly Javi,” he said, rubbing at his chest. “I only do sex one time before this,” he said, and Javier looked surprised. 

“Really?”

Yuzuru blushed but shrugged. “I train a lot. I not have time for finding sex. I just- I am always training or with mother or doing things.”

Javier grinned. “Yuzuru, are you saying you had sex in Sochi?” 

Yuzuru giggled and nodded. “Yes. With Sweden speed skater,” he said, blushing. “He nice and talk to me when I see at café each morning. He congratulate me on medal and walk back to Japan House with me, so I ask him inside and we do sex.”

Javier made a face. “Ew, speed skaters are usually older than us. You were _barely_ nineteen,” he said, and Yuzuru giggle and shrug.

“I was sex age and he was nice man,” he said dismissively.

Javier smirked. “So, if you only had two lovers, who was better?” he teased.

Yuzuru rolled his eyes blushing. “You know it is you. You know me more than I know me. Also, he fuck me, and I never do it before that, so it hurt,” he said, grimacing at the memory. “So happy I learn better how to relax and have more lube.”

Javier brushed a finger over his cheekbone. “You talking about fucking yourself is too much for my old heart to take,” he warned him and Yuzuru just smiled smugly and leaned in to peck his lips. 

“Poor Javi Ojiisan,” he said, then crawled out of bed. “I must shower again, look what you do,” he said with a mocking pout, gesturing to the mess all over his stomach and thighs. 

Javier smirked, propping on an elbow to look at him. “You’re welcome.”

Yuzuru nodded to the bathroom. “Want come with me? Save time?”

Javier nodded and came off the bed, walking over to him to take his hand and kiss him as they went to shower. Yuzuru sighed as Javier pulled him back against his chest, holding him close while he took over washing them both. He smiled up at Javier, whose eyes had a strange longing in them. Yuzuru couldn’t imagine what that was about, since they had finally made a move and had sex. He had finally taken the step and given them both want they wanted. He should be beyond happy that they were together, here at the Olympics, and they both had a good shot at bringing home Olympic medals back to Toronto. 

Yuzuru turned in his arms and kissed Javier slowly, deciding he had to be worried about what happened in Sochi happening again, with Javi finishing right off the podium. He was sure that it wouldn’t happen again. Javi was in great shape and his programs this year were incredible. He knew they would stand on the podium together this time, bringing things back to how they should be: Him and Javi together on a podium in front of the whole world. 

~

Brian was more than pleased to see him and Javi in one and two after the short program, and Yuzuru was _delighted_ to see that Javier wasn’t letting the change in their relationship distract him. They acted normally, though Javier’s gaze lingered on him occasionally. It only made him happier to know that, when they had medals around their necks, the mess of press would end in him finding Javi and kissing him. He was entirely confident they would both have medals. He could feel it in his heart.

~

When Javier joined him in the top three area after the free, he was ecstatic. The lowest Javier could finish was bronze. No matter what, they would be on the podium together. Even if Shoma beat both of them, they would still be up there, on the Olympic podium, together. He couldn’t figure out why Javier seemed so torn. He should have been delighted, not strangely somber. 

When they realized they had won gold and bronze, he threw his arm around Javi, hugging him close. “We did it,” he said, leaning back, arms resting on Javier’s shoulders. “We really did it, Javi.”

Javier smiled with a sadness in his eyes Yuzuru couldn’t understand and nodded. “I know, we really did.” 

Later, when they were waiting with Shoma to take the ice, he was too emotional to handle it when Javier told them that this was his last Olympics. Yuzuru knew that, logically, that made sense. Javier was twenty-six. Not many thirty-year old figure skaters went to the Olympics. Still, the thought of an Olympics without him at his side was too much to handle while so emotional, and he found himself sobbing out, “No, I can’t do it without you,” as he hugged Shoma and Javi close.

“Later, I will talk with you,” Javier whispered. “As soon as we get some time, I’ll come visit your room,” he said, looking at Yuzuru with a sad longing, and Yuzuru’s heart lurched, too, with desire to be in Javier’s arms, holding each other now that the weight was off their shoulders and they could really focus on each other. 

~

Brian wanted to talk to him about his plans, for when he was coming back to Canada to train in case he did choose to do Worlds, so he accompanied Yuzuru to the training rink for gala practice. Yuzuru was excited to just have fun now. He had meant to talk to Javi, but they were so busy. 

“I will see how ankle feels,” Yuzuru decided, looking at Brian. “But I want that I do Worlds. I still have one good competition all season, it just the one that matter. I want to try and have more good competition.” He looked around the rink, seeing who all was there. “Javi is late?” he asked in confusion. 

Brian hesitated, looking at him. “Nobody mentioned? Javi already flew back to Spain. He’s doing press there before coming back for the Gala,” he said, and Yuzuru pouted but nodded.

“That make sense.” He beamed. “I am happy he win medal finally. He deserve it always.”

Brian chuckled fondly and nodded. “Yeah, he sure did.” He sighed, looking at Yuzuru with a lingering sadness. “It’ll be sad, you know? Not seeing you two goofing off on the ice together. I’ve spent six years trying to separate your training times to stop you from growing to resent each other, and I think looking back, I never really needed to, did I? You always respected him as an equal and he never felt like you were some unbeatable opponent, just a friendly rival.” He patted Yuzuru’s shoulder. “I just hope the rink is still filled with your ridiculous laughter even without Javi around to goof off for you.”

Yuzuru frowned as Brian waved and left. Yuzuru stared at his retreating back for a long time trying to figure out what the heck Brian was talking about.

~

Yuzuru loved gala practice, because he could just be himself and have fun with his other skating friends. His fun was cut short a day before Javier was supposed to be back for the gala when he read an article online that mentioned Javier moving back to Spain for good and selling his Toronto apartment altogether, he started to examine every single interaction he and Javier had had in the past few days, including the true meaning of, “This is my last Olympics,” and it slowly sunk in that what Brian said was not just a case of confusing English. 

Javier was going to retire and just hadn’t wanted to announce it yet. 

~

When Javier returned just in time for the last day of gala practice, Yuzuru could barely look at him without his heart breaking, but he knew that if this was the last time he got to goof off in practice with Javier Fernandez, he wasn’t going to waste a moment of it upset or angry. 

Yuzuru had loved Javier for so long that, even if they had made love, he was used to thinking of Javier as his best friend, and as a man in love, he was shattered, but as a best friend, he just wanted to savor every moment he had left with him.

He was pretty sure as he performed his Notte Stellata with more feeling than he ever had before that night. When Yuzuru first discovered that song he read the lyrics translated and they were so beautiful. He skated it with the thoughts of Swan Lake but with a happy ending swimming in his head, one where the swan princess was saved by the prince and they lived happy enough to dance away to the sounds of this song towards their eternal love. 

Now, as he skated it, his heart broke for an ending to his own love that was so far from what he thought it would be. Tonight was the first performance after he became a two-time Olympic gold medalist, and it was also the last performance he would skate with Javier just when he thought he was going to finally have Javier’s love after waiting for so long. He waited so long trusting that love would win in the end, that Javi would take him into his arms and hold him forever. He had trusted that love for so long. So many years spent waiting for the time Javier was ready to be with him, and now he had nothing to show for it except one night together and a broken heart. 

Yuzuru should have been happier than ever after winning a second Olympic gold medal. Instead, he had never been more utterly heartbroken than he was now. Javier was leaving. He was never going to be the same close friend Yuzuru had relied on, nonetheless the love of Yuzuru’s life. 

~

Javier knew without having to ask that, somehow, Yuzuru had read the news and knew he was retiring. He had wanted to talk about it with him before he let anybody know, but the chance never came before he had to go home to do press, and when he got back, it was already clear he had heard. Either way, he took the last chance he would get – the night the gala ended – and went to Japan House to visit Yuzuru.

He saw Shoma drinking with three skiers as he went through the common area and realized he probably should have retired already if the tiny child he knew for so many years now was old enough to party it up in the open like that. 

He had hung on so long for Yuzuru, he knew that now. He was grateful he did, because he got his medal after all, but after missing the podium at worlds last year, he had seriously given thought to the idea of quitting then and there. However, he had given it one more shot because he needed to see another podium beside Yuzuru. Not making it to the final in December had crushed his spirit almost as much as it had Yuzuru’s, so the Olympics had been his last shot to stand in the spotlight beside Yuzuru again. 

Javier also was glad that he had taken the chance that the Olympics presented and spent that night with Yuzuru. He had wanted to tell him goodbye in a way that would be remembered and that had been the most memorable goodbye in his life. He would never forget Yuzuru’s smile as they fell asleep tangled together. He would never forget standing on the podium with Yuzuru and Shoma. He could never forget this last competition or the dozens of other ones he shared with Yuzuru. 

And now, he was ready to really say goodbye. 

(Not _ready_ , never truly ready, but more prepared.)

By the time Yuzuru got back to Canada – even if he did come back for Worlds – Javier would be gone. He was going back to pack his things and sell his apartment and then he was going home. He might come back later when Brian had a little reception to hang their names up on the wall of the Cricket Club rink, but that would be it for him. So many years of his life had been spent in Toronto, and now he would be going home. Part of him was excited for that, even if it was terrifying to think of a future without a defined path. 

He had thought about not sullying this Olympic memory with an emotional goodbye with Yuzuru, but he knew Yuzuru wasn’t going to attend closing ceremonies and he would regret it forever if he didn’t give him a face-to-face chance to say goodbye properly. 

When Javier got to Yuzuru’s room, Yuzuru opened the door with a look on his face that said he knew who was going to be at the door before he opened it. “Hi,” Javier greeted, and Yuzuru wordlessly stood aside to let him come in. 

“I am just being packing,” Yuzuru said, going back to toss something else into a suitcase. 

“Always last minute, Yuzuru,” he teased. He walked closer, and shuffled awkwardly. Yuzuru sighed and turned around, looking at him with the look of someone steeling themselves for a cancer diagnosis, not a goodbye. 

“Just say what I know you are coming to say,” Yuzuru said in a tight voice. “I read on internet already. I know, Javi,” he all but whispered, looking into Javier’s eyes even with the space between them. 

Javier swallowed and nodded, looking down a moment before raising his eyes again. “I am not going to Worlds. I- I’m leaving Toronto. I’m moving back to Spain and- and I won’t be skating anymore.” It hurt so much to say it still, even if he had made his choice. “I am retiring. This was my last competition ever.”

Yuzuru wrapped his arms around himself and took a deep breath, almost as if he hadn’t been ready no matter how hard he seemed prepared. “Same word. Always so stupid,” Yuzuru said, looking bitterly at the suitcase on his bed. “Retire always mean losing friends,” he said softly. “We all must, but it never is not stupid word.” He swallowed visibly. “I was not understanding before. I am thinking- I am thinking this is about Olympics giving freedom.” He looked at Javier with almost an accusing look. “You really think sleep with me is good idea for this Olympics?” He looked almost disappointed and Javier felt confused. 

“I had to know what it was like,” Javier said softly. “This was my last chance to do something about what’s always been there, what was always under the surface. You and I have always been so close to something even if we knew it would never happen between us.”

Yuzuru snorted, surprising him. “I am _not_ knowing this. I am so far from this thinking,” he said, rubbing at his forehead as he turned and faced away from Javier. “I am not knowing word in English for how not true that is, Javier,” he said, saying his whole name in frustration. “I wish I could hate you,” he said, almost out of nowhere and Javier felt like he had been slapped.

“What? _Hate_ me?” he asked, stepping closer. He grabbed Yuzuru’s arm. “Hey, Yuzu, what are you talking about?” He tugged gently and Yuzuru turned around with a look on his face that dumped ice into Javier’s veins.

Yuzuru looked at Javier with so much heartbreak in those innocent eyes that Javier wanted to die. “I wait _years_ for you,” he said in a tremulous voice. “I see Javi scared of feelings for me, feelings for boy, and I think it is okay, because I can wait. One day-“ He hiccuped slightly. “One day Javi will be ready to love me how I love him.” His voice squeaked on the end of his sentence with visibly restrained tears. “I am having patience because I _know_ one day Javi will pick me and I will have him after the girlfriends all are over with. Because he love me, not them.” Yuzuru looked betrayed as he met his eyes again. “Now you are leaving?”

Javier’s throat constricted with guilt and agony. “Yuzuru, I-“

“Why you come to me if you are not wanting me?” Yuzuru demanded tearfully, the dam finally breaking. “You come to me and we have _sex_. You- you make me think, ‘Finally! Javi is ready and now everything is how it is meaning to be.” He shook his head. “Why would you do this if you are leaving?”

Javier chuckled weakly, his voice brittle as he looked at Yuzuru with a pained shrug. “It was my only chance to ever have a night with you. I- I was saying goodbye the only way you deserved.”

Yuzuru whimpered, lip trembling, and Javier took a rasped breath as he watched tears slip down Yuzuru’s cheeks. “I think it is hello to _us_.” He looked around, hands moving helplessly at his side. “Night you come here, night we-“ His voice broke and he shook, his head, crushing his eyes shut as if the thought alone caused him pain. “I think Olympics give courage and freedom, I think- I think you decide now is time. Put everything there. Leave nothing back. Same on ice as on love.” He let out an actual sob and Javier wanted to die. His little shoulders shook and he looked up with tears streaking his cheeks and a betrayed look in his eyes. “I wait _five years_. And this is all?” he choked out. “All I have for five years is- is this? Sex as goodbye? It becomes comfort to me, knowing that- that no matter how bad it is, one day in future I will have you!” he cried softly. “Ruined ankle, but I still will have Javi one day. Broken foot, but some day Javi will feel happy to love me.” He shook his head, looking at Javier. “And now you leave. You leave and- and five years is nothing. I have no patient for anything but you and now it is worth nothing.” 

Javier’s legs gave out and he slumped onto the other bed. He closed his eyes and let his head drop forward in shame. And guilt. He had no idea. He never knew Yuzuru felt such things. He knew the thing between them was something, something real most likely, but he never thought for a second that it was Yuzuru waiting for him to get his head out of his ass and accept he loved another man. And Yuzuru wasn’t wrong. Javier had struggled with that. As accepting and open-minded as he was with all his gay friends, it had still been hard to admit he wanted a man when he had always been happy with women. Yuzuru was so special and Javier hadn’t been able to admit to himself that he held him above others so much because it wasn’t just a friendly love. 

Now he had broken the heart of the greatest man he had ever known.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I didn’t know. I- I’m so sorry for hurting you.”

Yuzuru sighed and tutted. “I know that you are,” he said and Javier looked up. Yuzuru looked so broken and tired, but not angry in the least. “Javi never hurts me on purpose,” Yuzuru said with a sad smile and shrug. “You are everything to me. Does not mean you owe that I am everything to you.”

Javier smiled sadly, his eyes burning as he, too, teared up some upon standing. He stood straight, without swaying, and looked at Yuzuru with more strength this time. “But you are, Yuzuru. You always were.” Yuzuru walked over to his suitcase and took something out. When he turned back around, he walked over to Javier and opened the case in his hands. Javier frowned in confusion as he took his medal out of its case. “What are you doing?”

Yuzuru held it in his hand, stroking his thumb across the surface of the medal, before holding it up by the ribbon and – much to Javier’s shock – putting it over his head, lowering it until the medal rested on Javier’s chest. “You keep,” he said, rubbing the medal as it rested on Javier’s chest.

“What?” Javier asked in utter shock. “I- I’m not keeping your medal, that’s ridiculous-“ Yuzuru shut him up with a finger over his lips. 

He looked up into Javier’s eyes and Javier saw more maturity and adultness in the same eyes he’d seen full of petulant childish tantrum-throwing more times than he could count over the years. He smiled and shook his head slightly. “ _Everything_ I have, I owe to Javier Fernandez.” Javier watched a tear streak down Yuzuru’s cheek and his own hand wandered up to brush it away. Yuzuru sucked in a shaky breath and leaned into the touch for a moment before straightening. “I have two. You must share.” He stood up on his tiptoes and brushed a kiss against the corner of Javier’s lips, setting his blood rushing again. “Goodbye, Javi. Thank you.” 

When he stepped away, Javier’s heart lurched in his chest when Yuzuru bowed nearly ninety degrees and said, in a firmer and more together tone, “ _Arigatou gozaimasu._ ”

Javier didn’t get to say another word, because Yuzuru made it clear he was done speaking when he stayed in his bow. Javier lingered for just a moment longer at the door to glance back at him one last time before he finally left the room.

Yuzuru’s gold medal was still firmly resting against his chest.


	2. Post Olympics: Toronto, Canada

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So as you see, I changed it from 2 part to 3 part because I realized this middle part really deserved to be its own part.
> 
> Sorry for not posting it sooner! I'm almost done with part 3 so the wait between 2 and 3 won't be so long I promise!

It was strange, Javier thought, how quickly he started to miss Yuzuru. 

Barely two months had passed since the Olympics, and yet Javier missed him so much more now than he had any of the other times they were apart for months. He thought, perhaps, it was the finality of it this time. The knowledge that it was not going to end anytime soon. Over the years, they were apart more of the year than in the same place, and their lives weren’t so entangled that they spent a lot of time together when they were in the same place, but this time just two months felt like years. 

He had been right to assume he wouldn’t see Yuzuru again after that night. By the time Yuzuru finished up in Japan and returned to train for Worlds – since he had still planned to do so just in case his ankle healed in time – Javier had been back in Madrid for weeks. He had lived with his parents for a short while upon his return before deciding to move into a little apartment with his girlfriend. 

He hadn’t cheated on Camila with Yuzuru. When they met last summer, not long after his relationship with Miki ended, she was interested, and he was smitten, but she refused to be exclusive with someone over long distance. She couldn’t commit to someone who would always have a return flight waiting to take them to another continent. He had respected that, even if they did keep in touch. They had gone on a couple of dates since they met, and he even spent a few weekends with her over the winter. When he came home, however, she told him that if he was here to stay, she would be happy to be his girlfriend. Though he knew now where his heart truly belonged, he knew it would pass eventually.

Javier had always been the kind of person who enjoyed being in a relationship. He liked commitment. Most of his relationships had been long-distance, so he had never even held the physical parts of a relationship in as high esteem as the comfort in knowing there was someone out there who cared about you. He liked having a companion, even if it was via technology. In the past, even if there were weeks at a time he couldn’t really talk to his girlfriend, he liked _knowing_ that halfway around the world there was a person who thought about him as often as he thought of her and who held him love for him in her heart. 

Part of him wondered if that was why he and Yuzuru’s friendship had always worked so well. They went months without speaking at times, and yet he never once doubted that Yuzuru still cared about him for all those years. He had spoken the truth before, however misworded, when he said it was like having a wife to be training mates with Yuzuru. Their friendship had always been a partnership. They _had_ to make it work, the same way married couples had to work it out if they didn’t want to divorce and break up their family. With Brian and Tracy and the other coaching team, they had to get along. More than that, they had to work together. They were far from the only skaters those poor coaches had to worry about, but they were the only two who were rivals and competing on the same level in the same discipline. He had trusted for so long that Yuzuru would smile at him and greet him with a big hug the next time he saw him when their breaks ended and they were together again, ready to lace up and skate together in stroking practice. 

That, Javier thought, was what was so different this time. None of that would ever happen again. Sure, he would see Yuzuru again. The figure skating community was close-knit for a reason. He still planned to skate ice shows in Japan every summer his body would let him, so he would see Yuzuru again, and they would probably joke around and have fun like always. However, he wasn’t Javier’s partner anymore. There was no commitment of any sort. No longer did Javier have the ability to trust that, somewhere halfway across the world, Yuzuru Hanyu was waiting for them to be together again. 

Javier had an Olympic gold medal hidden away in his things, since he would never be able to explain why he had it or where he got it to anybody, to prove that. 

~

Before Worlds, Javier returned to Toronto most likely for the last time to attend the small ceremony that Brian was holding to honor the medalists from the Olympics before Worlds ended the figure skating season and they all went their separate ways. 

Camila went with him and he couldn’t really put into words how much he wanted her to see this part of him that he was putting behind him. He didn’t love her as fiercely as he had other women in the past, but he thought that was probably a good thing. Love, ultimately, was the demise of most of his past relationships. When the feelings began to fade, there relationship was doomed. His longest relationship had been with Miki and he had wanted so badly for it to last. He had wanted to be part of her family and had wanted to have that with her. But because he loved her so hard at the start, when the feelings faded, he was left feeling like it was a chore to try and keep the relationship going. 

With Camila, the feelings were there, but instead of a full-blown attack of butterflies and an inferno of desire for her, it was a comfortable, low-level feeling of love. She was like a good friend that he was happy with and thought he could have a life with. They were still so new in their relationship that his parents thought he was moving a little fast to move in with her, but he had wanted to move out of his parents’ house as fast as possible and she offered to move in with him since her lease was up. They were going into this with their eyes on the future. She was a few years older than him and she had made it clear that she wasn’t ready to waste time on someone who wasn’t going to commit to a future.

All he wanted was to commit to a future with someone right now. He had love. Love got him nothing, in the end. Just a lot of hindsight and regretted missed opportunities. 

~

Yuzuru was excited when Brian said Javier was coming to the ceremony for the new medal winners’ names. He knew it wouldn’t be the same, but he missed him. He wanted to see him off with a happy smile, not a bunch of tears. He was jittery through practice. His ankle was still not entirely stable, so Brian had him skating crossovers to try and strengthen it slowly. He didn’t want to put pressure on the ligaments, but he wanted to increase the strength of the muscles. 

When he came off the ice, he sat down to drink some water and look at the time. Though it ended strangely at the Olympics, Javier had texted him a few times, just trying to keep in touch. Yuzuru’s mom always liked Javi, so when his flight landed, she was going to meet him at the airport and accompany him to his hotel, so they could catch up, so he knew when he should be arriving. 

“Why are you looking at your phone?” Brian asked, looking curious. “You rarely text anybody so much.”

Yuzuru bit his lip and blushed. “Just- Mom is meeting Javi at airport. I must see time. See if flight has come yet.”

Brian smiled. “Your mother is such a nice lady,” he said and Yuzuru smiled at the praise. “You’ve been really quiet about Javi. I figured you two would still talk all the time,” he said, and Yuzuru could tell it was an innocent statement. He very obviously had no idea what happened between them at the Olympics. 

Yuzuru looked down at his hands. “We… talk. Little bit,” he murmured. “I-“ He sighed, deciding to just confess the innocent part of his dilemma. “I am thinking we cannot be friends because of distant and time,” he said heavily. “Too much stuff. If we do not see and skate, I do not think much talking happens.”

Brian frowned. “That’s not necessarily true, you know,” he said, looking at him worriedly. “You two never talked in the off-season before. Still stayed friends.”

“That is different,” Yuzuru said, pulling his gloves off. He looked at his fingers. “Things change. Olympics were…” He bit his lip, looking around the empty rink. “We have bad understanding. He mean one thing and I think another. I am thinking of future and he is meaning he retire.” 

Brian hummed. “Yeah, I was standing right there when you got so emotional, Yuzu. I promise, it may seem like you need your friend here to push you, but you can do it without him,” he comforted.

Yuzuru snorted, rolling his eyes. “It not skating thing,” he said, laughing sadly at Brian’s misunderstanding. “I just-“ He sighed, his smile fading as he looked out at the ice. In his head, he could visualize all the times they skated around playing and laughing together. “Six years, I look at Javi and see future. As skater, as goal, as rival, and as not skating things.” He shook his head. “Almost five year it is not about skating. It is just about Javi and Yuzuru. But he does not warn that it is the end. I am thinking we win medals together, we go do Worlds together, we do ice shows and then come train for more. I know he is not younger, but he is still not _old_ , so I think everything he says is about that. About time coming, not about time up.” He smiled tightly. “He was said goodbye and I think he says hello to other thing.”

Brian suddenly stilled and Yuzuru looked up at him, only to see Brian suspiciously looking over his face. “What other thing, Yuzuru?” he asked evenly, but Yuzuru could tell he had said too much. 

Yuzuru looked down, biting his lip guiltily. “Just thing that is not thing any more. Goodbye does not mean hello, I just did not understand.” He tugged at his fingers nervously. “I just-“ He sucked in a breath, trying not to let his voice shake as he came dangerously close to confessing openly to Brian. “I just hate I waste so much time,” he said his voice cracking as he looked down at his lap and his hands in it. “I have basically grow up expecting thing is coming when time is right. I waste almost five year over one thing. I trust in one thing. I turn away other possible thing because I trust so much in one thing and now so much years is gone,” he whimpered. “I tell Javi, I say, ‘only time I am having patience it is wasted’, and it is true. Wasted patience. Wasted years. All because I give faith where I should not.”

Brian looked at him with a frustratingly knowing look when Yuzuru chanced a look his way. “You really aren’t a little boy anymore,” he said, and Yuzuru chuckled weakly. Brian clapped him on the shoulder. “Look, Yuzuru…” He grimaced. “This isn’t really my area of expertise, it’s not a coaching matter, but take it from a much older person,” he said and Yuzuru giggled at his frustrated look. “It’s never a waste to put faith in something you believe in. And five years seems like forever, but it’s really not that long,” he stressed. “You could find another ‘thing’ next week that lasts you sixty years, and it still wouldn’t be a waste that you kept true to what you believed in for the last five.” He smiled and patted his shoulder. “Things always seem so much more dramatic when you’re young. One day, you will just remember five years of believing deeply in one truth and you’ll miss that innocence. The older you get, the more jaded you get to anything being really true. It’s not stupid. It’s something that we lose along the way and it’s always sadder to lose that ability to believe so deeply in one thing than it is to waste time on it.”

Yuzuru knew there were tears in his eyes as he smiled at Brian. “It was never all bad,” he said wetly, laughing a bit. “When I believe, I believe with everything. Most times, it is heart that makes things happen. I believe I win and I push myself. I believe I can heal, and I focus hard on doing what is right. Believing and getting wrong has to happen sometime.”

“And you should never rush to lose that,” Brian said with a solid nod. “Hang onto that ability as long as you can.” He smiled. “You’re Yuzuru Hanyu. You almost give me that ability back again, you’re so good at making what you want to happen happen.”

~

Javier knew he missed Yuzuru, but he hadn’t known how guilt he would feel introducing Camila to Yumi. She might not know he had slept with her son, but he knew she was too smart to have not realized Yuzuru loved him. She was kind and welcoming, but he could see the look in her eyes that reminded him whose mother she was. She was already looking at ways this would hurt Yuzuru. He could see warning in her welcome as she looked at him with eyes that said, ‘You have one chance, please don’t make me hate you’.

Once she got him and Camila to their hotel to settle, he headed straight over to the rink, leaving Camila to get some rest. He was supposed to meet Brian and go get a drink and catch up, and he hoped that if he got there before Yuzuru left, he could see him before they all went to dinner later. The whole experience was strange. It was the same life he had lived for years now, and yet the knowledge that his apartment was no longer his own, that this place wasn’t his home anymore, that it was temporary and he may never come back here again after this, it was all so strange. It felt like he was going to practice. Like he should have his bag with him so that when he got there and saw Yuzuru finishing up, he could get his skates on and skate out to play around with him. 

When he got to the rink, he opened the familiar doors, walked down a familiar hallway, and stopped at such a familiar sight: Yuzuru singing along to his headphones and dancing as he walked from the locker room past the ice where Brian was helping a maintenance worker fill in the holes with slush before they closed up for the night. When Yuzuru looked up from his phone and spotted him, Javier saw his eyes widen. For a split second, he feared Yuzuru wasn’t going to have a good reaction, but then that big, Yuzu smile spread across his face, making his eyes almost disappear, and he laughed.

“Javi!”

Javier felt like he’d been punched in the chest when he heard that one world. He smiled and opened his arms and Yuzuru ran the rest of the way and jumped on him, hugging him close. It felt so right in the most wrong way to wrap his arms around Yuzuru and hold him close. “Hi, Yuzuru.”

“I did not get call! I was expect text to come to meet for dinner! Not see you here!” He spun around, waving to Brian. “BRIAN! Javi!”

Brian smiled and waved, coming off the ice. “I see,” he said, walking up to them. Javier expected a clap on the back, but he didn’t expect the way Brian’s eyes lingered over them. Javier realized with a startled jerk that he covered with a laugh that Brian was looking at the hand he had on Yuzuru’s waist in a way he never had before. He didn’t know if Yuzuru told him or if he just knew, but there was no doubting he knew something happened between them. “Good to see you, Javi.”

“Good to see you, too,” he said brightly. He looked at Yuzuru, who was still smiling at him like he hadn’t crushed his heart the last time he saw him face to face. “I guess I’m a little early.”

Yuzuru smiled and squeezed his hand, which Javier hadn’t even noticed he was holding. “I must go now, but I see you for dinner, yes?” he asked.

“Yeah, Yumi says we’re all meeting not far from the hotel, so I’ll see you tonight,” he said, and Yuzuru nodded and snuck one more quick hug – one that Javier wanted to hold onto for some reason – before bowing his head to Brian in parting and continuing on his way out. 

He turned to Brian and smiled. “Drinks?”

“Drinks,” he agreed, clapping Javi on the shoulder as they turned to head out themselves. 

~

Brian Orser was not, he liked to think, an idiot. He may have been distracted and not seen whatever Yuzuru was going on about that morning through the years, but it was pretty obvious now that he was looking for it exactly what he’d seen when Javi showed up early at the rink and he and Yuzuru clung to each other like the distance had been unbearable. 

He was pretty sure Javier knew he’d seen it, too, because he was very awkward as they walked to the bar they decided to get beers and chat at. “So,” he said, looking at Javier. “How have things been?”

Javier smiled. “Good, good. We have an apartment not far from where my parents live, so I see them whenever I want to, now. It’s been great.”

Brian nodded. He knew Javier had a girlfriend, but now he was a little suspicious about the whole situation. “And who is ‘we’, again?” he prompted, trying to figure it out. 

Javier perked up. “Camila, she’s with me here, too, actually,” he said excitedly. “Camila is going to come to the ceremony. I wanted to show her around where I’ve spent so much of my life while I’m here.”

“Oh, she is here, then?” he asked, wondering even more about that dinner with Yuzuru and his mother. “She’s going out with Yumi and Yuzuru, then,” he said, and he saw it, the momentary flash of panic in Javier’s eyes. 

“Yeah, yeah. Yumi met her already and- and Yuzuru will meet her tonight.” He said it with a slightly fearful look as he took a long drink of his beer. 

Brian didn’t want to pry, he really didn’t, but Yuzuru was still his skater. A skater who was healing right now, at that. “So, Yuzuru’s going to be fine about all this, right? I need him in good mental shape, too,” he said quietly, and Javier’s shoulders slumped.

“He told you?” he asked, and Brian snorted at how easy it was to get him to fold. 

“Nothing word for word, but I got some long-winded, broken-English story about trusting in a thing that isn’t a thing anymore and wasting five years believing in that thing but how the Olympics ended that thing, and from the reluctance to use the English I know he’s got, I don’t think it’s your rivalry,” he said, and Javier groaned, rubbing at his forehead. “Look,” Brian said quickly. “It’s none of my business, you don’t owe me anything. Just… reassure me my skater is going to be okay to train tomorrow,” he said gently. 

Javier sighed. “I don’t know,” he said softly. “I think so. He didn’t avoid me like the plague like I kind of thought he might when he saw me today, so who knows.” He bit his lip. “I don’t think he knows about Camila. I have mentioned ‘we got an apartment’, but I didn’t tell him who and that she was coming. I wanted to warn him but I couldn’t think of a way to bring it up without it seeming like an accusation.”

Brian hummed, too curious to hold it in. “So, there’s Camila, who you live with now, and a month ago, there was Yuzuru and something happening at the Olympics…” He trailed off and Javier chuckled weakly.

“Well, depends on how you look at it whether it’s not as bad as you think or worse,” he said, looking at his beer. “We weren’t in a relationship then. She and I had gone on a few dates and hung out some when I was home over the winter, but she refused to date someone living half a world away, so there was no relationship to be unfaithful to.” Brian had figured something had happened of _that_ nature, but that pretty much confirmed that Javier and Yuzuru had been having _sex_ at the Olympics, which was so far from what a coach wanted to hear from his skaters. Javier continued with a small chuckle. “But it also means I moved in with a woman I just started a relationship with. My parents were not very comfortable with me living with someone from the beginning of a relationship,” he added.

Brian hummed. “Well, every relationship works differently,” he said diplomatically. “So. At least reassure me that I wasn’t as blind of a coach to not see two of my skaters secretly dating while I was training them both.”

Javier nodded solemnly. “It was just- just that one time.” He paused and then laughed weakly. “Well that’s a lie,” he said almost regretfully. “It was every single day since we met, always there and under the surface. Always growing and changing.” He looked up and it struck Brian that Javier truly wasn’t the young kid he met years ago, he was a grown man now. “Not having a sex doesn’t mean what we have always had isn’t the same it always was. So no, we weren’t dating, we never did, but it wasn’t ‘just one time’,” he finished softly. 

Brian nodded, trying to assess the situation. “So. That’s it then? You leave here and go home and Yuzuru has no more stress from that whole situation?”

Javier sighed. “I hope not. I don’t want him to feel like it’s his fault.” Javier shrugged. “It’s a true case of ‘it’s me, not you’. If we weren’t who we are, maybe it would be different, but feelings aren’t what matter. But I’ve never been read for that. Not with him.” He snorted. “He’s Yuzuru Hanyu. He arrives at the Olympics with armed guards, for God’s sake. There’s no room in that life for anything like what I want in my future.” He shook his head. “I want a quiet life and to teach children to skate. If all of life was just about who I have had feelings for over a very large part of my life, it would be him, but it’s not. He will understand and agree with that when he grows up a little bit more. Until then, I’m happy he is at least friendly to me for this visit.”

Brian watched Javier outlining all his logic and nodded along, because he knew what he thought wouldn’t be welcome. He didn’t want to encourage his remaining skater to stir up relationship drama, especially not at his level of fame and with another man, but he was a lot older than Javier Fernandez and he knew damn well what good trying to plan out your future did. He never thought he would be a coach. He never thought he would _ever_ coach multiple Olympic medalists. His plan at twenty-six was far less selfless than babying and catering to the needs of several skaters from all parts of the world with all different needs. But he never regretted what turns his life took to get him to the point where he was now, speaking to a skater he coached for so long he got to watch him grow up and end his career on an Olympic medal note.

“Well, I wish you the best for whatever your life hands you, Javi, I really do,” Brian said simply as he raised his glass to him. “You, more than anybody, deserve to be happy.”

Javier smiled and raised his glass. “Thank you.”

~

Yuzuru frowned, looking at himself in the mirror. “Do I need to wear a tie? How fancy is this restaurant we’re going to?” he called to his mother.

She came into his room and tutted. “Here, wear this sweater, not a collared shirt.” He caught the sweater she tossed to him and held it up, frowning at the white V-neck sweater. 

“Really?” he asked, and she nodded. He shrugged and changed into it, not caring that she wasn’t leaving. He went to the mirror to check his reflection and frowned at his hair. The white sweater had black stripes around the wrist and collar that went well with his black pants,and white sneakers, he could admit, but he doubted even his mother could help him with his hair. 

“You look so handsome,” she said, coming over to start combing her fingers through his hair, styling it so it was less rumpled looking. Out of nowhere she hummed and said, “So, Javier lives with the girlfriend he brought.” 

Yuzuru’s throat tightened in surprise but he forced a smile. “Good for him. I guess she makes him happy, then.”

She made a vacant sound, still focusing on his hair. “I just always thought it would be you,” she said, and he stilled. He could see the color draining from his face in his reflection and he licked his lips weakly.

“What do you mean?”

Yumi scoffed slightly. “Please,” she said, looking him in the eyes as she rested her hands on his shoulders. “I know my son,” she said gently. She rested her chin on his shoulder, rubbing his upper arms gently. “I thought when you were a teenager and all you could talk about was Javier Fernandez and his amazing jumps and his perfect smile that if he had an ounce of attraction to men, he’d fall for my sweet, handsome son.”

Yuzuru looked at her with wide eyes. “You- you thought that and didn’t freak out?”

She gave him a small grin. “I’m your mother. I know you never liked girls a day in your life,” she said and he flushed bright red. “I thought for sure the way he looked at you meant one day I’d have a handsome foreigner wanting to sweep my baby away from me.” She smiled sadly. “I guess Europeans really are just that friendly.”

He ducked his eyes, and she squeezed his arms with an inquisitive sound. “It-“ He stopped and bit his lip as he looked up at her. “I thought so, too,” he confessed and she gave him a heartbroken smile. “I thought one day he wouldn’t be afraid to admit to himself that he loved me the way I loved him,” he whispered, swallowing around the lump in his throat. “I was sure of it. I didn’t even think about other boys because I really thought Javi would finally be ready to pick me. But…” He trailed off and shrugged with a little grimace. “I was wrong. I guess he didn’t ever get ready. I know he loved me,” he said confidently. “He all but admitted it a few times. He was just always scared. And now he won’t see me anymore so it’s not going to happen.”

His mother gave him a calculating look. “You never know,” she said vaguely. “Love is funny. He can pretend all he wants, but if he loves you even a little, he might be surprised where he ends up.” She tapped his cheek with a fingertip. “Not sure if you know the guy, but my son tends to get anything he really, really wants. It’s impossible not to fall for his charms and his handsome face.”

He whined. “Moooooom,” he complained, and she laughed, hugging him from behind, standing on her toes to kiss his cheek.

“My beautiful boy.” She pulled him around, putting her hands on his shoulders to look at his face. He didn’t know what she saw, but the look on her face was one of pride. “You’re growing to be a charming, handsome man. You’re so hardworking and so good. I’m so proud of who you’ve become,” she said softly.

Yuzuru smiled and bit back another lump in his throat for a whole new reason. “I love you, Mom,” he said, hugging his mom tight. She rubbed his back and held him like she had when he was a far smaller child whose arms had to go around her waist, not her shoulders. “I’m only able to be all those things because of you.”

“Mmmm, and that’s why I’m positive that if that man has any sense, he’ll realize you’re the one for him sooner or later,” she said jokingly. “I didn’t work so hard on such a wonderful son just to have his heart broken by some handsome foreigner.”

Yuzuru rolled his eyes. “It’s not quite like that, Mom-“

“Which of us is the parent?” she asked and he blushed and giggled.

“Okay, okay, just help me with this terrible hair my _parents_ cursed me with,” he said, turning around to face the mirror so his mom could help do _something_ with it. 

~

The first thing Javier noticed when he looked up as the host led Yumi and Yuzuru to their table was that Yuzuru looked _beautiful_. He felt so guilty in an instant because his girlfriend was literally holding his hand on the arm of his chair while he thought that. “Hey! I hope we are not much late,” Yuzuru said as they approached their seats. He bowed his head to Camila. “Hello, it nice to meet you,” he said, waiting for his mom to sit before joining her. 

“It’s nice to meet you, too,” she said, smiling brightly at him. “Javier has so few friends, it’s good to meet one of them.”

“You already meet mother, but I am Yuzuru,” he said with a playful smile as he held out a hand, and she laughed as she took it and shook his hand over the table.

“Hi, Yuzuru, I’m Camila,” she said, and Javier relaxed a little. He had kind of worried there might be some awkwardness from either Yuzuru or Camila, but it was fine. As dinner progressed, they actually got along really well. Yuzuru’s mother had a little difficulty understanding Camila’s accent, but Yuzuru was used to Javier enough that he understood her. Javier noticed how much better Yuzuru’s English was now than it had been when they first became friends. It was amusing to hear him speaking pretty much intelligible English when, at first, their relationship was built mostly on smiles and physical touch.

Javier had zoned out for the most part and was only brought back by Yumi asking, “How you two end together?”

Camila grabbed Javier’s hand and he fought the urge to blush. Yumi was looking at him with a very knowing look that he really hoped didn’t mean she knew he had sex with her child not long ago. “We met last summer. Javier was home from the summer ice shows and some friends of his sister took him out and I was among their group. We really hit it off,” she said with a loving look his way. “He asked me out, and I said yes, but when he wanted to have something serious, I told him I wouldn’t date him since he lived halfway around the world from me.”

Yumi hummed and nodded. “That make sense. He always date girls who live so far away and I always think poor girls, they have months of not seeing boyfriend.” She smiled. “I live this way with my husband, but we married long ago, so time apart is probably better so we do not make each other crazy,” she said with a laugh, and Camila laughed along with her. 

“I’m sure one day I’ll wish for a nice long break from Javier,” she joked, squeezing his hand as she looked at him. “You’ll probably get sick of me sometimes, too, living together like we do.”

“Javi has live alone so much, it must be interesting to have roommate like him,” Yuzuru said sociably. “He is very picky about home. Every time I hang out, he get mad for this and that,” he said and she grinned.

“Oh we had a big argument about where the dishes should go in the kitchen,” she said and they all laughed at that one. 

Yumi hummed as the laughter died to a comfortable silence. “Living together so soon. It is serious, yes? So young for such serious,” she said, and Camila shrugged.

“I’m a little older than Javi, and he isn’t that young.” She looked at Javier with loving eyes. “We both know what we want and our desires for the future are well matched.”

“Javi always think to the future,” Yuzuru said, and Javier had to look at him as he heard the tone of his voice. He had a smile on his face and sounded cheerful, but Javier knew that voice. It was the, ‘I lost but I’m proud of my competitor’ voice. It wasn’t disingenuous, Yuzuru always was really proud of someone for beating him, but it was a painful voice, one that meant he was hurt but didn’t want to appear like he didn’t mean what he said. “You both have plans?” he asked, looking between them. 

Javier bit his lip, looking at Yuzuru through sad eyes. “We’ve been talking about kids. We think that- that maybe next year…” He trailed off and smiled. “Well, we want to be sure about us before we bring children into it, but we both want them, and we don’t want to wait until we’re in our thirties to have them.”

“I think that is what made me really fall in love with him,” Camila said, and Javier felt her looking at him, but he had to hold Yuzuru’s gaze, watching the way the last bit of hope drained from his eyes. It was self-punishment. He had done this to Yuzuru. It wasn’t his fault, he couldn’t put his life on hold to spare Yuzuru’s feelings, but it still was his fault. “We both want kids and we both want them soon. I can’t wait to have at least two children.”

Every word Camila spoke drove the light out of Yuzuru’s eyes. “O-oh. Children.” Yuzuru smiled a very forced smile that Javier thought Camila probably bought. “I love children,” he said with a hand to his chest. “I cannot wait until I am older and have little baby. I just am not ready for that yet,” Yuzuru said, looking right at Javier. “And I have to find person to adopt baby with. Hopefully, when I am retire, I can get married and have nice home with children and cats and I will teach babies how to skate like me so I can hold their hand and skate and share that with my children,” he said, sighing as he clasped his hands together. “Not soon, but big dream for my future.”

Camila cooed. “Awww, maybe you and Javier will stay friends so that when we both have kids, our kids can meet and skate together! I’m sure Javier will teach ours to skate,” she said with a smile Javier’s way and he could only force one back and nod.

“Of course. And who knows, when I’m a coach, maybe I will coach Yuzuru’s children,” he joked. “Since Yuzuru isn’t the best coaching material with his strange sound-effects,” he said and Yuzuru smiled tightly, though it was obvious to Javier that Yuzuru also felt how panicked he was. 

“I prefer dogs, though,” Camila added. “Javi’s cat lives with us but I said no to adopting more cats,” she said, making a face.

“Really? I love cats. Effie is so sweet, and Javi’s parent cats are very sweet, too,” Yuzuru said. “Remember how when I come meet parents after Barcelona, both cats sit on me and sleep?” he asked Javi, who nodded, smiling at the memory. His parents cats had both loved Yuzuru. “I would adopt cat now but it is not fair to make cat fly home with us back and forth,” he said with a small pout. 

Camila perked up. “Speaking of adopt, I meant to ask, is there any special reason you want to adopt a baby? It’s always so interesting when people are selfless enough to want to adopt children and go through all that trouble just to give them a home. I always admire the strength that must take.”

“Well, that is part, but also it because I am gay,” Yuzuru said simply, and Javier’s eyes widened in shock. He had never, not once, heard Yuzuru say that. He hadn’t even been sure he _was_ gay. Javier looked at Yumi, expecting her to look shocked, but was surprised to see she just had a proud look on her face as she looked at her son. Yuzuru scrunched his nose. “Boys cannot have baby, so adopt baby is how I get children.” He tilted his head back and forth. “Also part of reason I must wait. I want that I get married before I have babies and I cannot have husband in Japan, only wife, but I am thinking some years must change that, so I can have babies with husband at home. I think about it here, but there is no reason left to think about married and babies here in Toronto.”

Camila looked a little surprised but smiled. “Oh, wow, I had no idea. Javi never mentioned,” she said, looking at Javier, who just shrugged.

“It is not my business to tell,” he said passively.

“So, is there someone special?” Camila asked eagerly. “A nice guy like you, I’m sure all the men you meet must fall a little in love with you,” she teased.

Javier stilled, and saw Yuzuru had paled, his eyes fixed on the table. More disturbingly, Yumi’s eyes flickered to Javier, and suddenly he had a sinking feeling that Yuzuru wasn’t embarrassed about speaking of his sexuality in front of his mother because she knew far more than Javier ever would have wanted her to know. “No,” he said quietly, fidgeting with his sweater sleeves. “Not anymore.”

Camila flushed quickly. “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to bring up a bad topic,” she said softly, looking at him with sympathy. There was an uncomfortable silence before she cleared her throat. “Well, whatever guy thought he could find better than you obviously has no clue what he’s missing.”

When Yuzuru looked away from them with a clenched jaw and whispered, “No, I am thinking maybe it is for best he does not miss me,” Javier felt it like a kick to the chest.


	3. Summer-Fall: 2018

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been a LONG time but I couldn't end it for some reason! But now all good things must end!
> 
> (I hope the format is right because I wrote this part on a different computer than other parts.)

At the program for their names to be put on the walls with the rest of the medalists – along with the Canadians who trained and earned medals in the team event – everybody had brought their medals besides Yuzuru. Camila couldn’t quite figure out why Yuzuru hadn’t brought his. Every time he was asked where it was he said it was with, ‘the one I owe it all to’. Brian smiled and patted his back and said, “Of course he gave it to his mother,” and everybody laughed, so Camila figured that was where it was. 

It did make sense, after all. She couldn’t imagine her mother giving up years of her life to travel halfway around the world with her. Javier’s parents supported him any way they could, but they had sent their little boy off into the world at fifteen to let him travel around the world on his own. Yuzuru’s mother was very nice, from what she saw. She clearly loved her son a lot. He was his mother’s child, for sure. It made sense that Yuzuru would leave his medal with her and let her take credit for his successes. 

She even said at the time, “One day, I hope our son loves me that much,” to Javier.

Now back home, while putting away their laundry, she realized she had been blind all along as she put Javier’s clothes away and discovered a box in his sock drawer that, contrary to her initial excitement at the prospect of him hiding a necklace for her, turned out to contain a very different type of ‘necklace’ all along. 

A Pyongchang Olympics gold medal. 

~

Javier got home from a day out at meetings to find Camila sitting on the couch, looking at the box sitting on the coffee table in front of her and his heart sank.

It was Yuzuru’s gold medal. 

“Hey,” he started, and she looked up for a moment, eyes searching his before going back to the closed box.

“I understand that he contributed a lot of his success to you,” she said slowly. “But giving you his _medal_ …” She trailed off, looking up at him, hands balanced below her chin. “Javier, are you the man he mentioned?”

He hesitated but realized he couldn’t lie to her. He walked over to the chair and sat down heavily. “Yes, I’m the man who left.”

She looked at him searchingly. “When we talked about past relationships, why didn’t you mention him? Did you think I wouldn’t want to be with you for being bisexual?” 

He looked down at the medal. “There was no relationship. We only…” He trailed off and sighed. “For years we were friends but nothing more, and yet so much more at the same time. Even when I was dating someone I loved, the way I felt about him was still there. It never lessened. But I didn’t want to not be straight,” he said softly. “I’m not homophobic, but I just- I didn’t want to be the stereotype I grew up hating, you know?” He snorted bitterly, looking out the window across the room. “Growing up, I figure skated because my sister did it and I wanted to be better than her, and then when I _was_ and started competing, I lied about it. I told my first girlfriend I was leaving the country rather than tell her we were moving closer to a skating rink. Other boys were always calling me girly and gay and stuff because I was a skater, and I think it just stuck with me and I never wanted to- to be that person.” He smiled faintly. “And it was always so easy to ignore finding men attractive. I just could never ignore Yuzuru.”

He looked back to Camila, who tilted her head slowly. “If you weren’t together, why did he call you the man who left? And why do you have his medal?”

Javier chuckled weakly. “Because Yuzuru is smart and kind and more dramatic than anybody I’ve ever met.” He rubbed a hand through his hair. “I broke his heart after the Olympics,” he confessed.

Camila frowned a little. “How so? You were never together so-“

“I knew I was retiring, and I couldn’t walk away without knowing what it was like to be with him,” he said quickly. “So before the events started, I came to his room one night and we slept together. I wanted to- to say goodbye in a way that would be memorable.” He swallowed. “He and I had such a strong bond for so many years. We clicked from the start. He was my biggest competitor, my rival, but he was also probably my best friend. When I met him, he didn’t speak English, and yet I understood him and he understood me. We were never really _friends_ , it was more like we had a special bond that was more than friendship but also not as close.”

“Did he know it was goodbye?” she asked, and Javier closed his eyes, sucking in a breath.

“No, he did not,” he confessed. “I thought it was clear, I thought I was being as open as possible with this being a goodbye. He had to know, but he didn’t.” He looked at her with guilt in his eyes. “He told me that he’s waited all this time, that he’s spent all these years patient with me having girlfriend after girlfriend because he _knew_ that in the end, I would pick him.” Javier looked at Camila, who looked pale. “I never knew that it would hurt so bad to break someone else’s heart. He- he was just distraught. He wasn’t angry at me, he was just hurt.”

“Oh, Javi,” she sighed. She looked down at the medal. “What’s this then?”

Javier snorted. “I told you, dramatic. He told me – as he’s told the world – that everything he has is because of me. He says I’m the reason he got to the level he’s at, being there beside him all along, pushing him all the way. He told me I deserved credit for him winning back to back gold medals and making history, and since he already has one, this one should be mine. I tried to refuse but he wouldn’t take no for an answer. He’s so hardheaded,” he said with a soft laugh. 

There was a long silence, where it was clear Camila was thinking, before she finally looked at him and spoke. “Do you love him?”

Javier’s chest ached, and his stomach churned, but he couldn’t lie to her. “Yes,” he said softly, looking her in the eyes. “Part of me probably always will. There’s nobody in the world like him and there will never be a more unique person on this earth.”

“Then why did you come back and get with me?” she asked point-blank. “We had fun, but you owed me no commitment. Why did you start this relationship if you love him?”

“I love you,” he said adamantly, trying to make her understand. “Camila, I love you. You’re the only woman I’ve ever lived with, the only one I’ve ever come home to. What happened in the past doesn’t change that I chose you-“

“But why? I love you, too, Javier, but why did you choose me over him?” she asked.

“I didn’t,” he countered. “I was never going to choose him.”

“Why not? You have a history with him and a connection that sounds to me like true, deep love,” Camila asked. “I’m just not sure I understand.”

“Love isn’t all there is in a relationship,” Javier said, getting a little agitated. “You want the truth? Then I’ll tell you: I’ve often wondered if he’s not my soulmate,” he said, finally putting into words the feeling he had had for a long time now. “It’s like we were made to find each other when we’re together. If I wasn’t in love with him, if there wasn’t the issue of not wanting to be with a man, if we were just _friends_ , then I could probably stay in his life in some way, we could still see each other and- and hang out, because I miss him all the time,” he said, his chest aching at the power behind the words, at the sincerity of his meaning. “But I want a life that I can never have with him,” he said in a softer tone, swallowing the bitterness of the truth behind his words. “If all it took was love, I could have chosen him, but it’s not. 

Camila looked, thankfully, sympathetic. “In what way, Javier?”

He sat back, waving a hand as he spoke. “Living together, for one thing. Yuzuru has been coddled for so long he would be a nightmare to live with. Place of living is another. I want to live here, in Spain. I missed home. I want to be with my family and I want to live under the warm sun and Spanish air, not in Canada, not in Japan. I barely speak Japanese, I would hate living there,” he added. “I want children,” he said with longing, because it was true. He wanted children so much. “I want to be a father, and he can’t give me that.”

“He said at dinner that night he wants to adopt children,” Camila pointed out and he shook his head.

“Even if he wanted to adopt in the future, it isn’t as easy as just ‘I want a baby, give me one’. He’s Japanese, the legality of adoption alone would be nearly impossible. And I’m ready to be settled now, not in ten years. He’s going to skate until his body fails him, I know it. Also, he’s ridiculously famous, he could never come out and be openly in a relationship with a man. I could never hold his hand in public or take him on dates _ever_. I can’t spend years waiting around for a future of settling for what I can get, not having what I want.”

Camila looked down at her lap. “Are you not doing that now?” He raised an eyebrow and she looked up, and he was startled to see tears in her eyes. “Javier, do you not hear yourself?” she asked. “You’re picking me because I can marry you and have children for you and live in Spain with you, but your heart belongs to him-“

“I love _you_ , I’m not settling-“

“What if I don’t want to settle for being with someone who wants all the things I do but doesn’t love _only_ me?” she asked, a tear slipping down her cheek. Javier felt like an asshole for making her cry. “No, a relationship isn’t just about love, but can you honestly tell me that if Yuzuru Hanyu would kiss you in public and move here and settle down and have a family with you that you wouldn’t pick him?”

Javier tried. He tried so hard. He opened his mouth twice, but every time he tried to speak his voice failed him. He closed his eyes and sighed. “No,” he admitted. Camila sniffled and he felt like puking. “But that’s the point. You and I can be happy together. I love you, and you make me happy. This life, the one we’re building together, it makes me happier than I’ve ever been. I thought I would never find someone who makes me feel this hopeful for a future after Miki and I ended things, but you are the person I can imagine spending the rest of my life with, Camila,” he said earnestly. 

She looked away. “I just-“ She shook her head, face scrunched as she cried. “I need to think, Javier.” She stood up and walked to the bedroom. “I need to think about everything.”

Javier looked at the medal on the table and, when the door shutting clicked audibly in the silent apartment, he closed his eyes and put his head in his hands, letting it hang there as he, too, thought about everything that had just happened. 

~

Javier went to stay with his family for a few days to give Camila space. His mother, because she was his mother and knew him better than anyone, kept looking at him with knowing eyes. He was grateful, at least, that she waited until his father was at work before she came to him while he cooked himself breakfast and started helping as an excuse to talk. 

“Not that I don’t enjoy you staying for a few days, your apartment is only half an hour away,” she said slowly. He said nothing, and she hummed. “Relationships take work, Javier. Hiding away and running home won’t fix things.”

He snorted, amused but not surprised that she knew the real reason he was staying with them. “She wanted space and I owe it to her after the bombshell I dropped on her,” he said softly, his chest aching at the thought of Camila crying.

His mother gave him a stern, warning look. “Did you cheat on her?” she demanded, and he let out a startled laugh.

“Mama, no!” he said, then rolled his eyes. “I’ve never cheated on anyone. I’m not that kind of person,” he said, looking down at the bowl he was stirring. 

“Well, at least that means she might forgive you,” she said, nodding to herself. “You would never hit her or anything, I know that much, and if you didn’t cheat on her, it’s very unlikely it’s unfixable.” Javier’s stirring hesitated because he had kept himself from thinking that word, ‘unfixable’, but it wasn’t an impossible scenario. When he stirred again, she looked at his hands then looked up at him. “Javier?”

Javier smiled sadly. “I don’t know, Mama,” he said softly. “I hope it is something we can overcome, but I think I revealed how selfish I am and I worry she may not be able to get over that so easily.”

“You? Selfish?” she asked incredulously. “You’re a lot of things, my son, but I don’t think I’ve ever thought of you as selfish.”

Javier put the bowl down as his chest tightened and he leaned on the counter, his head hanging between his shoulders. “I’m not good at lying, and she asked me something I think she didn’t really want to know the truth of.”

“Javier?” his mother asked, and he looked at her. She looked into his eyes, reaching up to touch his face. “What is it? You know you can tell me anything. Or nothing, if it isn’t my business,” she added. She smiled comfortingly. “But grown man or not, you’re still my baby and I’m still your mama.”

Javier smiled weakly. “Even if I’m selfish?”

She nodded. “Even if you are selfish, as impossible to imagine as that might be.”

Javier nodded, looking down at the countertop. “She asked me if I’m still in love with someone else, even if I never cheated on her with them, and I couldn’t lie. I told her that I am and a part of me probably always will be.”

Enriqueta cooed. “Oh, Javi.” She rubbed his shoulder comfortingly. “She’s probably upset, but that’s hardly something she would leave you over if she loves you. A lot of people have that situation, especially so new in a relationship. You’ve always been one for serious relationships. You haven’t even been split from Miki for a year, and there was a child involved, she can’t really fault you for still having lingering feelings for that while having new, fresh feelings for her. It probably hurt her, but she will understand in the end and forgive you.”

Javier, shockingly, hadn’t had any of those problems. He and Miki made a mutual decision that, for her daughter’s sake, it wasn’t fair that they keep a relationship that had simmered down to mostly friendship with sex involved going when Miki owed her daughter a real family, something she couldn’t see with him. That hadn’t been a painful split. There was some regret for not seeing Miki as often and not seeing her daughter anymore when he loved that little girl, but they were friends still and probably would remain so as long as they stayed involved in the skating world on the outside of competition. 

“It’s not Miki,” he said softly, and his mother looked confused. 

“Then who else? Surely not that girl from years ago. What was her name-“

“No, Mama, it’s not-“ Javier hesitated, because he was about to come out to his mother. He never feared her reaction, but he really never planned to do it either. “Mama, I like women _and_ men,” he said in a strong voice. “I never dated a man, but- but the person I’m still in love with is a man who I never had more than friendship with. Camila found out about it.”

There was a long silence where his anxiety grew before Enriqueta hummed. “Well. That’s surprising,” she said softly. He snuck a look and she looked calm but confused. “In that case, I don’t really see what the problem is. If you were never together, why would it be selfish that you have feelings lingering for him when you clearly love her and chose her?”

Javier snorted, amused at how cool his mother’s reaction was. “I come out as bisexual and that’s your reaction?” he asked, and she tutted.

“Honestly, Javi, in this day and age,” she dismissed. “What I don’t get is the issue here. Just as I said with Miki, she’ll get over it. It’ll hurt for a while that she’s not the only one in your heart, but you chose her, so she will accept that some day she will be the only one there and that this is still a very new relationship.”

Javier smiled sadly. “Yeah, maybe.” He shook his head. “She asked me if- if I could have the same life with him I want with her, if I would still choose her.” He bit his lip. “I- I couldn’t say yes,” he said weakly. “Mama, if I could marry him and live in Spain and have children and all the things I want out of life, I would have fought for him,” he said in a rush. “I never would have moved in with Camila. And it’s not fair to her. It’s selfish to choose her because I can have the life I want and love her when I would choose him if the same were true. But it’s not,” he said tightly. “It’s not possible. He would never be able to make me happy in the long run, so even if I love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone, it doesn’t matter.” He closed his eyes tightly. “And I told her. I was honest and told her and it broke her heart, Mama.”

After a long silence with his eyes shut, fighting the lump in his throat that threatened to turn into a burn in his eyes, Enriqueta finally spoke. “Hanyu,” she said simply, and Javier let out a wet laugh. “Oh, Javi.” She wrapped her arms around his middle, hugging him until he turned and hugged her back, hunched over at the shoulders to put his face in her hair. It still felt weird, sometimes, to be so much bigger than his mother. “Do you really love him?” she whispered, and he nodded, swallowing harder than before to fight the sob that was growing in his chest.

“And the worst part is I know he loves me the same way. I broke his heart by not choosing him,” he confessed. “But life isn’t just about love. I want- I want a family and to raise that family in Spain and to have it soon. He won’t retire until his body fails, which could be another ten years if he’s as lucky as he usually is. I _can’t_ be happy with him.”

She nodded with a comforting stroke of his arm. “But you don’t think it’s fair to Camila to be with her knowing she deserves someone who only wants her,” she said knowingly, and he nodded. 

“I should’ve waited longer to start dating someone, after I’d had more time to stop loving him, but Camila is the perfect partner,” he said with a sad sigh. “She’s beautiful and we have so much fun together and I do love her, even if it isn’t like I love him. She wants the life I want, and I’m scared that if I lose her, I won’t find anybody else with the same wants and future dreams as me.”

Enriqueta looked at him for a long time before speaking. “I think you’re too focused on finding a person to fit your future and finding a person to _share_ a future with,” she said gently, and he looked up in surprise. “I know you want to settle down and start a life with someone, but how happy will you be in ten years if you marry someone just so you can start a family and settle down? Once you achieve that goal, you’re stuck with that person for life. Even if you divorce someday, you still share children. If you don’t want to be with her even if you can’t have the future you want, what happens if you get bored of each other once you have that future? You will have a wife you don’t really love anymore, children who will know their parents are unhappy and will hurt for it, and no way of going back from that.” 

Javier shook his head. “But I do love her. I really think we’ll have a happy life together-“

“And she knows, right now, that you love someone else.” She shook her head. “Maybe you should talk to her and think about taking a break from living together and being so serious. Most likely you will fall out of love with Hanyu over time, and then you can start again. If Camila is truly the woman you can see a future with, then time apart can be good for you.”

Javier hesitated, shoulders tense as he finally got ready to say what he had feared for a while. “What if she’s not?” he asked quietly. 

Enriqueta sighed and smiled sadly. “Then don’t ruin the happy future you want by settling on someone now. If you truly want to be a father, you have to know that seeing your children unhappy is the worst part of being a parent. Imagine how unhappy your children will be if they realize their parents resent each other?” she said simply. “You’re twenty-six. You have time. I know you are impatient, but you do have plenty of time.” She rubbed his cheek with a sweet, motherly smile. “Make sure you pick the future that is right, not the future that you can have right now.”

Javier felt heavier with the realization that his mother was probably right. If he wanted his future to be the dream he truly wanted, it would probably be best if he did things the right way now instead of rushing into a future he couldn’t come back from. 

~

Yuzuru didn’t go to Worlds. His ankle wasn’t well yet. Instead, he and his mother went back to Japan and he started planning a summer skating show. Javier followed the talk about Yuzuru as he started working on preparing for summer ice shows. Part of that preparation included having a long talk with Camila in which they decided that maybe they rushed into such a serious relationship. Camila moved out and went to live with a friend, and once again, it was just Javier and Effie. They didn’t break up, so it wasn’t like she was never over, but it felt more familiar, he realized. 

He could tell their relationship was different now. She seemed to realize he really, truly wanted it to work between them, even if she had to accept that he was still in love with someone else, too. He was grateful she wasn’t leaving him altogether and realized that sometimes the heart wanted what it shouldn’t want and all you could do is try to get over it. It was still closer than any other relationship he’d had before, because they could see each other whenever they wanted, not every three months. 

When he learned that Yuzuru was going to be at a show in Tokyo to speak, not to skate, he started to really worry about Yuzuru’s ankle. It had to be worse than they ever let on. He also, however, was excited to see him again. He knew he shouldn’t be, but the thought of just hanging out with Yuzuru again set his skin to tingles and his chest to fluttering. Because of this exactly, he avoided Yuzuru as much as he could at every turn. He knew that if he did see him, if he got close to him, his heart would do the same thing all over again to try and convince him he needed Yuzuru when what he wanted was Camila. 

~

Yuzuru had managed to forget that Javier would be at the rink when he got there right up until he turned a corner and saw him talking to Miki and laughing about something.

Yuzuru forgot how to breathe. 

It amazed Yuzuru how time apart could make him look at Javier and see everything he ever wanted and everything he couldn’t have all at once. His smile was still Yuzuru’s favorite smile. The way his shirt hugged his arms was still enough to make Yuzuru blush. His laugh, even, was music to Yuzuru’s ears. He couldn’t help but want to turn around and run but also to run straight to Javi and jump into his arms. He didn’t understand why his heart wanted someone he couldn’t have when there were so many he could and it just didn’t want them. There were men all over the world who would love Yuzuru and worship a chance to make him smile.

But his heart wanted Javi.

Yuzuru tried to duck into a door to escape, but the one beside him was locked, and before he could run back around the corner, Miki called his name. “Yuzuru!”

When Yuzuru turned back, he saw Javi’s smile wavering as he spotted him, and it was the worst feeling ever, to know he was taking that smile away from Javi’s face. “Miki!” He rushed over, forcing himself to keep a smile on his face. He greeted her with a hug and she laughed in his ear. 

“It’s so good to see you. I worried we might not see each other this summer,” she said, pulling back. “I was just telling Javi that I almost worried he would take the summer off after his big season.”

Yuzuru knew he had no excuse – besides being a coward – so he turned to Javier with a smaller, more secretive smile. “Hi, Javi.”

Javier’s eyes were dark and mysterious as they searched Yuzuru’s face as if searching for something. “Hey, Yuzuru.” He seemed hesitant as he opened his arms, but he didn’t stop so Yuzuru didn’t either. He stepped into Javier’s arms and the moment his arms found their place around his neck, Yuzuru had to tuck his face into Javier’s shoulder to hide the way his eyes brimmed with tears.

“I miss you,” Yuzuru breathed to himself, knowing Javier’s Japanese was far from good enough to understand him. 

“Hmm?” Javier hummed, his chin tucked over Yuzuru’s shoulder, but Yuzuru just shook his head before pulling away.

“How you have been?” Yuzuru asked him with a warm smile. “You have good fun home in Spain?” he asked, hands resting on Javier’s shoulders as he met his eyes. 

Javier smiled and nodded. “I really enjoy being home,” he said, patting Yuzuru’s waist. “How have you been? You’re still not skating here. Are you healing okay?” he asked, and Yuzuru smiled at the real worry in his tone. 

“Yes. It just take long time,” Yuzuru said, and it was true. “I have okay foot, it just hurt when I jump, so no performing for little while longer.”

Miki winced. “If it’s that bad, how on earth did you manage the Olympics?”

Javier rolled his eyes. “He’s Yuzuru. Pain can’t keep him away from anything he really wants,” he joked, and she laughed along with him.

Little did he know, Yuzuru thought, Yuzuru was fighting an entirely different kind of pain at the moment as they stood together, so close Yuzuru could smell the scent of Javier’s cologne. 

~

Yuzuru was happy when Javier and Miki invited him to go out for dinner with them. He always liked Miki and had actually been really sad when Javi and Miki broke up. They were still good friends, though, so all his worries had been for nothing. They had also invited Nobunari, so Yuzuru felt less awkward being invited to sit around while Javi and Miki caught up after not seeing each other for so long. 

“Awwww, she’s getting so big,” Javi cooed as he looked at photos of Miki’s daughter on her phone. “I miss her adorable little face,” he sighed. “All chubby cheeks. Just how children should be.”

“Yeah, just like our little Shoma,” Nobu cooed dramatically, slinging an arm around Yuzuru. “Our son is growing up, too, Yuzu.”

Yuzuru laughed, tossing his head back. “Since last summer he start look really grown up, like get muscles and lose fat baby cheeks.” He sniffled and rubbed at his eyes. “Little baby all big now.”

“You finally seem to be an adult, too,” Javier teased. “In the past two years, there’s a big difference in your shoulders and your face.”

“He still has an adorable baby smile, though,” Miki cooed, reaching out to poke Yuzuru’s cheek and make him smile. He laughed and swatted at her hand, rolling his eyes. 

“I feel like Yuzuru doesn’t fit here,” Nobu joked. “We’re all old people and Yuzuru’s just a little baby boy.”

Yuzuru huffed. “Hey, I am not baby.” He swatted at the hand that came to ruffle his hair. “And Javi only barely older. He is not old like you,” he said, poking his tongue out at Nobu. 

“Ah, yes, but he’s still grown up and living a domestic life at home, unlike you,” Nobu teased. “And rumor is he’s retired like us,” he said, looking at Javier slyly.

Javier chuckled but nodded. “Yeah. I’ve left it unanswered just in case, but I’ve decided I’m done. I knew it already, because I don’t even live in Canada anymore, I just haven’t did a big announcement.”

Yuzuru knew this already, but it still hurt to think about going back to training and Javi not being there. Nobu distracted him, however. “So, are you married yet? I see photos of you and your lady friend you post.”

Javier stilled some and smiled uncomfortably and Yuzuru frowned at the weird look on his face. “Not anytime soon,” he said, shrugging. “She actually moved out. We didn’t break up, but we decided we moved too fast getting an apartment after only a few months dating. She’s gone back to living with friends so it’s just me and my cat again.”

Yuzuru bit his lip. “Aww, I like Camila,” he said honestly. He did like her, even if she was the person dating the man he loved. “Is things bad or is just bad time?”

Javier didn’t meet his eyes as he mumbled, “She realized we don’t know each other as well as we thought we did, is all.”

“That’s tough,” Miki said, rubbing Javier’s shoulder. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” he said, smiling a very obviously forced smile. “Just a lot of stuff going on.” He shook his head. “Alright, back to fun topics!” he suggested, then turned to Nobu. “You owe me photos of your adorable children,” he said seriously, and Nobu cracked up.

“What is it with you and babies?” he said, passing him his phone. “You’re still young. I only had kids so early because of a failure of birth control. My wife definitely didn’t plan on having them until around the age we are now.”

Miki wiggled her eyebrows. “Yeah, we all know my little one was a big surprise,” she said, and Yuzuru barely held back from snorting, thinking about how she had been _five months_ pregnant before she even realized she was pregnant with her daughter. 

“I want children so bad,” Javier said with a happy smile as he looked at Nobu’s phone. “I wish I already had one, really. Camila and I were planning on getting married and having one next year, but it’s for the best we decided to slow things down, I think.”

Yuzuru ignored the ache in his chest at the thought of Javier getting married and sighed. “I will have to wait very much long time before I can get babies,” he said dejectedly. “Stupid laws.”

Miki raised an eyebrow. “You’re a little baby yourself, why are you already thinking about children?”

“And what laws?” Nobu asked, frowning curiously.

Yuzuru bit his lip. He hadn’t actually _said_ he was gay except to his mother and at dinner with Javier and Camila. He wasn’t ashamed of it, or keeping it secret, he just hadn’t said much about his personal life to anybody. “I always love babies. Small child is so cute,” Yuzuru cooed, clutching his hands to his chest. “Little hands and tiny face! I want baby when I retire.” He shook his head. “It just I cannot get baby ‘old fashion way’, so I must adopt, but adopt is not easy here at home.” He rolled his eyes. “I do not think I can even adopt without married, and I cannot be married.”

Javier looked surprised at how openly he was speaking. Nobu frowned. “Why can’t you get married?”

Yuzuru scrunched up his nose. “Because I am gay, obvious. Poor Nobu, you are not so smart,” he said, patting the top of his head mockingly.

Javier seemed surprised that both Miki and Nobunari just stilled and stared at him. Javier raised an eyebrow, looking between them. “Are you really surprised? He doesn’t even pretend to hide his crush on Boyang Jin,” he said, and Yuzuru blushed. 

It was true. He totally had a tiny crush on Boyang Jin. The guy was just really cute. 

“You just… say it?” Nobunari looked around them. “Out loud?” he asked.

Yuzuru frowned. “Yes? I do not have shame for this. Mother knows and coach knows. I do not have embarrass. I know I cannot say all over, but with friend I feel safe.” He nodded his head at Javi. “Javi know all about it. I tell girlfriend and Javi when they have dinner with mother in Canada. We talk about baby and I mention how I want baby but have no way of getting one.” He sighed. “I hope by retire time, maybe married is possible,” he said forlornly. 

“You really mean to marry a man some day?” Miki asked, and Yuzuru honestly was surprised his friends were still including Javi by speaking English. They both seemed pretty serious. “That will be public.”

“So?” he said with a shrug. “Coach has man partner public. Once retire, I will not fear sponsor so it does not matter. Public may not like much but I do things to bring much honor to family and people. One thing dishonor is not much bad.” He smiled. “I can show small boys not to be scared of to be gay. I am not. I want husband and babies in future.” Yuzuru clutched his hands to his chest and smiled at the thought. “Handsome husband who love me and cuddle our babies we adopt and give me home and happy life.” He sighed. “Perfect life.” He giggled suddenly. “Well, I be skating coach, then it be perfect life,” he added.

“What if you can’t?” Nobu asked, looking at him with a sad smile. “It will probably be a long time before you can marry a man in Japan, Yuzu-kun.”

Yuzuru smiled sadly and shrugged. “I not live in Japan, then.”

The other three all looked shocked. “What?” Javier asked, and Yuzuru felt less comfortable talking to _him_ about it, but he didn’t feel too uncomfortable to not answer.

“I speak with Mother,” he said, fidgeting uncomfortably. “She say same thing. She say, “Yuzuru, what if you never can marry man in Japan before you are old?” and I did not want think about much but she make me think,” he said carefully. “I decide I know enough English I can move to Canada for good or America or somewhere else where man can marry other man if I cannot marry man at home by time I am ready.” He shrugged. “I want babies. If cannot have at home, must find new home. I love Japan,” he said seriously, because he did. Yuzuru loved his home more than anywhere in the whole world. He rubbed at his chest absently at the thought of leaving it for good. “But I cannot become old and like place I live, not life I live.” He nodded with a sad smile. He looked at Miki and Nobu. “You both would leave for family, I am sure?”

Miki looked startled, but nodded. “Yes,” she said simply. “I would go anywhere for my daughter.”

Nobu nodded, too. “Yeah, okay. I guess I see your point.” He shook his head. “That would suck, though. I am so glad I have a wife and kids already.”

Yuzuru smiled suddenly to break the somber mood. “But it okay! I am long time from retire and get married and have babies,” he said with a giggle. “When ankle is better, all will be good,” he said confidently. He was glad when the conversation moved on from there so the focus was no longer on him.

He felt uncomfortable enough with feeling Javier’s gaze on him without the other two staring as well.

~

Javier knew he was distant and preoccupied while he facetimed with Camila, but he didn’t realize how obvious it was until she suddenly jerked him from his reverie with a single question. “Is he there?”

Javier looked back at her in surprise. “Who-“

“You know who,” she said simply. Javier bit his lip but nodded. She looked at his face and nodded as well. “I thought so. You’re distracted.”

“And you think that means it has to be about him?” Javier asked, and she gave him a knowing look. He sighed. “Yes, fine. He’s here.”

“You should sleep with him.” Javier nearly dropped the phone he jerked in shock so badly. However, she didn’t look accusing or angry, just contemplative.

“What- I- what are you talking about?!” He spluttered and rubbed a hand over his hair. “Camila, I would never cheat on you, how can you think that?”

Camila shook her head. “It isn’t cheating if I give you permission,” she said, and Javier bristled.

“I’m not sleeping with someone else. That’s not how I work,” he said to her. “If I’m with you, I’m with you. I don’t _want_ to sleep with someone else.”

Camila hummed, and he couldn’t believe her. He trusted her and he loved her, and even if things weren’t great, he couldn’t imagine she would say something so accusative to him. She continued and it only got worse. “I just think that if you slept with him, maybe you would be able to truly decide what you want, Javier,” she said, and he glared.

“It’s not just you, you know,” he said suddenly, knowing it was cruel but wanting to hurt her the way she was hurting him. “You think just because you feel jealous where you don’t have to – because I chose you – that I would go and hurt him like that?” he demanded. “If anything happened and I still went home to you, it would break his heart worse than I already have in the past. I would never hurt him that way. Yuzuru is too special and too important to me to ever treat like just some experiment for your sake, Camila.”

Camila gave him a pointed look. “Yeah, I know,” she said, and then hung up on him. 

Javier was at a loss. He wasn’t sure what had just happened. 

~

Javier thought he was the last one at the ice rink when he left, but as he carried his things up the hallway, he heard the sound of skates on ice echoing through the empty arena. He went down the tunnel and wasn’t surprised to see a slender figure in black on the ice with only one set of lights on. He walked down to the front row and put his things down. He stood there for a moment, watching as Yuzuru just skated in little loops. Javier’s heart lurched a bit when he saw Yuzuru pick up his foot and rub at his ankle while floating along on just one foot. 

“You’re not better, are you?” 

Yuzuru was clearly startled, but he didn’t seem surprised to see Javier. He skated over and stepped off the ice wordlessly. Javier thoughtlessly offered his hand, surprised when Yuzuru took it to balance as he got over to one of the seats to sit down and take off his skates. 

“Yuzuru?”

“I can’t jump.” Yuzuru sounded very solemn when he spoke. “It is six months since fall.” Yuzuru took his skates off and Javier could see his ankle looked normal sized, not swollen or anything. “Olympics make it worse,” he added. “I do not regret, but I do more damage. That two months from fall and I make worse damage. Now, four months and it is not okay.” 

Javier sat down beside him, putting a hand on his shoulder while he got his shoes. “You’ll come back from it. You have healed from injuries several times-“

“I’m scared,” Yuzuru whispered, and Javier barely heard it. He looked at Yuzuru’s profile. “I need begin train for next season soon. I do not know if it will happen.” Javier watched Yuzuru closely and Yuzuru rubbed at his thighs almost reflexively. “I lose much muscle because cannot train. I- I get out of shape. Ankle is bad and I get out of shape.” He looked at Javier with a heartbroken little smile. “Maybe it was my last season, too,” he said, and Javier knew he was repeating his own words back to him. 

Javier’s heart dropped to his stomach. “Don’t say this, Yuzuru,” he said softly. He slid his arm around Yuzuru’s shoulders, leaning closer. “You will be fine-“

“Maybe I don’t, Javi,” Yuzuru said, and Javier heard his voice breaking. “There are others. Brian get three new skaters he need to coach. All three very good. I- I am not well to train. Maybe I sit out season.” He looked upwards and Javier was horrified to see tears welling in his eyes. “And maybe if I set out season, I do not manage comeback after.”

Javier leaned forward, raising a hand to brush the tear he saw streak Yuzuru’s perfect cheek away. “Please don’t cry, Yuzu,” he whispered, making him turn to face him. He held his face in his hand and wiped away his tears. “You know I hate watching you cry.”

It had the opposite effect, because Yuzuru’s shoulders started shaking feebly. “Javi, what I do?” he whimpered. “I have nothing without skate. I not smart. University has useless. I have degree I do not even understand. I- I am too young to do coach. I even think crazy thing about doing ice dance, but I am too small to pick up lady,” he rasped out and Javier, even though his heart broke for Yuzuru, could only smile, because of course Yuzuru would consider that possibility.

“Sometimes, we are not able to choose when we’re done,” Javier said softly. “I am lucky. I skated as long as I wanted to and accomplished so many goals.” He brushed a thumb along Yuzuru’s cheekbone. “I think you will heal, Yuzuru. I really do.” Yuzuru looked up at him with those sad eyes and his heart could barely take it. “But if you are done, are you not satisfied with your legacy?” He smiled sadly. “Nene, it all ends for everyone eventually. If this is it, the last thing you did was make sure nobody will ever come close to being as remembered as you are.” 

Yuzuru sniffled. “I know this. But I am not ready,” he murmured. “Skating is all for me. I give up life for skating. You have friends and- and hobby.” He stared into Javier’s eyes, and the way he looked when he whispered, in such a broken, tone four words, made Javier’s entire heart ache. “There is nothing more.” 

Javier knew that. He had always known that. Yuzuru Hanyu sacrificed his life to figure skating. He wasn’t preternaturally better than all his competition, he got that good because he gave up _everything_. Yuzuru had no friends. He talked to nobody outside of his family except for during competitions and training, when he had coaches and fellow skaters to hang out with. He never learned to drive, he didn’t know how to cook, he didn’t read, he didn’t watch movies, he only played video games to make travel less boring, and he didn’t even look at _food_ as something to enjoy as much as fuel for his body so he could skate. Figure skating was the love of Yuzuru’s life, his _sole_ preoccupation, and without it, Javier didn’t know what would happen to him. 

“You would have to quit some days, Yuzuru,” he said gently, and Yuzuru made a frustrated noise.

“Yes, and I am thinking I have time to- to get friends and learn how to do more than skate,” Yuzuru gritted out. “I am not ready. I think I have some years. I- I have spend summer going out with people to do things. Not much, it is all just other skater, like Nobu and Miki, but I try. I do not hang out, but I am trying,” he stressed. “But it is not time. I need longer. If I quit skate, I leave Canada. I go home and cannot go out to see people. I cannot leave home without mask and- and someone sneak me in back of place so nobody see me leave car. I go eat ice cream and everybody take pictures. I cannot meet friend or _more_ so soon. I need longer time traveling world.” He looked at Javier with defeat in his gaze. “You know how lonely it is at top, Javi. You were all I have for so long because you come to top with me.”

Javier’s insides twisted. “You always have me, Nene.”

“I will never see you,” Yuzuru whispered, looking at him with even more tears in his eyes. “Few days in summer at ice shows. Maybe.” He looked at Javier searchingly. “It is hard with you, anyway.”

Javier’s brows furrowed. “What?”

Yuzuru rolled his eyes. “Do not act like not smart,” he said, looking at him. “Think how it must be when you come with wedding ring and photo of babies to show us,” he said, and Javier could hear the pain in Yuzuru’s voice. “We have no secret anymore, Javi. You know what you have been for my adult years. I really, really like Camila, but it will break heart at same time. You know this.”

Javier snorted bitterly, thinking about Camila. “You wouldn’t like her as much if you knew what she thinks of you now,” he said honestly. 

“What?”

Javier gave him a guilty look. “She found the medal,” he said, and Yuzuru’s eyes widened and he paled.

“Shit,” he said, and Javier chuckled at his English curse word. 

“Such a word from your mouth,” he teased, but Yuzuru seemed worried.

“She find? What you tell her? This is why you not live together?” he asked, wringing his hands. “Oh no, I did not imagine this when give you medal. I am so sorry-“

“Don’t,” Javier said simply. He sighed. “I don’t think she even means to blame you,” he confessed. “She doesn’t trust me because of you, but I think she blames me, not you. She just said something last night to drag you into it.”

Yuzuru looked worried and pouted slightly. “Javi? What happen?”

Javier hung his head. “When she found the medal, I told her everything. I told her how I broke your heart. I told her that I-“ He hesitated, because he didn’t want to hurt Yuzuru, but he never wanted to lie to him again. Yuzuru nudged his knee and he sighed. “I told her that I love her and chose her, but I cannot magically feel nothing for you. You are special to me and always will be. She doesn’t like that I don’t love only her.”

Yuzuru hummed. “I can see how she is not like that.” He gave Javier a wry smile. “It is hard finding out love is just love, choices are more.” 

Javier grimaced. “She and I fought just earlier. Not fight, really, but it was a bad conversation.” He looked at Yuzuru awkwardly. “She said I should sleep with you so I could ‘make up my mind’. I told her I already chose her and that would just hurt you, and I will never break your heart ever again, and she got angry at that, too.”

Yuzuru smiled a small, brittle smile, though not an unkind one. “You always break my heart, Javi. You cannot help.” He reached a hand up and Javier swallowed hard as Yuzuru’s hand cupped his cheek, thin, delicate fingers brushing over his jawline. “Every time you look, it breaks heart. It is never will stop.” 

Javier swallowed around the lump in his throat. “But why? Everything I do, I try not to hurt you. I never want to hurt you. I never meant to in the first place.”

“I fall in love with cute boy when I am teenager,” Yuzuru said softly. “Many year later, I think about love I have and know it will never stop even if I cannot have him.” He shook his head with a little smile that said somehow both pain and peace. “It is hurt that will not go away, Javi. You cannot make it. I cannot make it. Even when I grow up and fall in love with other boy, nothing will erase first boy I love with _everything_ ,” he whispered tightly. “My heart will not ever be same.” Yuzuru shrugged. “But hers can be. If you stop seeing me. If you put medal away and never take it out. If you do not talk about or watch on TV, if you make her know you only want her, her heart can be fine after little trouble.”

Javier’s voice broke as he whispered, “But I can’t put you away like someone that never mattered, Yuzuru. You have been closer to me than anyone in my whole life for so long. You will always be part of who I am.”

“You put me as part of who you are in past. Not who you are in now or future,” Yuzuru said. “She will not feel sure you only love her until I am not part of you anymore, Javier Fernandez.” Yuzuru stood up and kissed the top of Javier’s head, making him close his eyes and lean into the touch. “ _Sayounara_.”

Javier kept his eyes shut and fought to breathe. The finality of Yuzuru’s words was crushing. He knew that Yuzuru was aware of his familiarity with the language, and to use something so final in parting made something in Javier’s chest crumple painfully. 

~

Camila left him when she helped him with some planning for his fall ice show and saw that Yuzuru would be coming. 

Javier hadn’t been surprised. 

The only surprise was that he found it didn’t hurt nearly as much as he thought it would. 

~

Javier went to Canada to train with his usual choreographers to put together some programs for upcoming ice shows and to get some programs down for Europeans. He decided he wouldn’t retire completely, that he would compete at nationals and Europeans one more time, even if he didn’t skate any other competitions all year. While he was there, he hoped to get a chance to see Yuzuru, but it seemed Yuzuru was always too busy for more than a passing smile and wave while he had stroking practice with Jason and Boyang. 

Javier stayed after his training ended to watch them and wasn’t surprised when Brian came over to his side while they watched Tracy dealing with the three very hyperactive and distractable young men. “How’s it going?” he asked Brian, who chuckled.

“Well, I have another kid with a language barrier, one that speaks Japanese with Yuzuru and then they laugh together and it makes me paranoid, and one with still can’t do more than a few jumps per session without pain.” Brian shook his head. “It’s going to be a long season.” He sighed. “Well, for some of them.”

Javier’s stomach clenched. “Yuzuru’s not skating the Grand Prix is he?” he asked, and Brian nodded solemnly. “He told me he was afraid he was done. Over the summer.”

Brian sighed. “I hope not. But it’s not looking good,” he confessed. “He’s not in good shape. His ankle or his body. Summer ice shows were something he desperately needed to do more of, but he’s only just got to where every single jump doesn’t hurt.” Brian smiled ruefully. “Feels weird to be talking to you about his condition. I’m so used to you two being competitors.”

Javier sighed. “He’s not ready to give up. I know it. I hoped he would be better by now. Without skating, he will have nothing.”

Brian looked at him curiously. “You two must have talked since last I heard. Did you see him this summer?” he asked, and Javier nodded.

“Yeah. In Tokyo.” Javier clenched his hand into a fist at his side as he stood, arms crossed, watching Yuzuru on the ice. “I hoped I would see him again before he comes to Spain but I guess not. I don’t have time to talk between our schedules here. And I’m leaving soon.”

“It’s okay,” Brian said, clapping him on the shoulder. “Yuzuru will never change. You’ll always have another chance to talk to him sooner or later.”

The problem, Javier realized as he watched Yuzuru skating, was that if they both were retired, that might not actually be true. The thought of losing Yuzuru altogether was beyond unbearable.

~

Javier had a schedule from the organizers of the ice show that showed when each skater would be arriving and their schedules for the duration of the show. He knew where they were all staying, he knew what practice times they had for their individual programs, and he knew that Yuzuru would be arriving a day early to get rid of some of the jet-lag that came with flying from Japan to Spain. He had spent the past three months in Japan, and with the news that he wouldn’t be in the Grand Prix this year, so many people were speculating he might be finished. 

Javier couldn’t bear the thought, because if Yuzuru was truly finished, they might not see each other again. 

“Have you ever wanted to do something absolutely ridiculous?” Javier asked his mother as he helped her with a big, family dinner to celebrate the start of his ice show. 

She hummed where she stood chopping onions. “It depends. How ridiculous are we talking?” She grinned. “You strap blades to your feet and fly across a frozen ground. I’d say that’s pretty ridiculous to a lot of people.” She chuckled. “If you mean you want to take up sky-diving or mountain-climbing, then no, I can’t say I have.”

Javier’s heart thudded in his throat and his fingers tingled as he finally said out loud what he had been thinking about ever since he was in Canada months ago. “I think I’m going to ask Yuzuru to marry me when he gets here tomorrow.” 

Javier shut his eyes and exhaled just as there was a clatter and he heard his mother cursing. “You’re _what_?!” He looked at his mother and saw her standing in the middle of a pile of onions. “Javier, what on earth- when did you even get together?!” she demanded. “You mean after all that drama, and after you quietly split up with Camila, you didn’t bother telling me you got together with him?!” She swatted him in the arm. “Keeping your poor mother in the dark about such a big part of your life-“

“We’re not together,” he said, smiling with nervous excitement. “I haven’t spoken to him since Tokyo. I only saw him in Canada from a distance. That’s why this is so ridiculous and crazy.” He looked down at his hands. “But it feels right,” he said with lightness in his voice he hadn’t felt in ages. “I know he loves me, Mama,” he said earnestly. “Even now, after everything, I _know_ it. And I think about him every single day,” he stressed. “I worry about him and I want to call him and I keep thinking about how if he really is retiring, I might never see him again, not really,” he added. “I can’t live that life. I cannot lose him forever.” He looked at his mother with a smile. “I love him, Mama. It’s ridiculous and irrational and- and it’s the stupidest thing I could ever do, but I think I’m going to do it.” He laughed, running his hands over his face. “If he says no, at least I tried.” 

Enriqueta seemed astounded. “And what if he says yes?” she asked pointedly.

Javier grinned. “Then I’ll marry him.”

~

When Javier saw Yuzuru, he was smiling, and in that moment, Javier knew he was doing the right thing. “Hey, Yuzu,” he greeted, and Yuzuru let him have a hug, which relaxed Javier. He had worried he may not want to touch after their parting that summer, but Yuzuru sank into his hug like always. 

“I have not see you in so long,” Yuzuru said, smiling up at him. “Well, not talk,” he added. “I see you training at cricket club.”

Javier grinned. “You look good. Healthy,” he said, and Yuzuru shrugged.

“I am okay,” he said, then rubbed his stomach. “Hungry,” he said, pouting. “After meeting, Javi should show me around city and take me get food.” He wiggled his eyebrows and Javier laughed.

“Sure,” he said, slinging an arm around Yuzuru’s shoulders, guiding him towards the conference room at the rink where the skaters who had already arrived were meeting to talk about the upcoming schedule. 

~

“Ooohh, such pretty!” Yuzuru said, looking up more than around as Javier guided him down the streets of Madrid, having to hook their elbows together more than once to keep him from running into pedestrians or lamp posts. “All old things,” he said, pointing at a statue or the architecture on a building. “I like Europe,” he said confidently, smiling at Javier with a big grin. “I never come here before. I go see other city, but not this one.”

“I know. I promised to take you around but we never got a chance,” Javier said, guiding Yuzuru to a café that didn’t seem to busy. “Come on, time to feed your skinny little body.”

Yuzuru giggled. “Javi just get fat,” he teased, poking his less-than-normally-defined abs. 

“I’m not getting fat, I just don’t train quite as much anymore,” he countered. When Javier greeted a passing waiter while guiding them to a table, he felt Yuzuru’s hand curl around his so they didn’t get separated by the many tables all clustered in the small café. Javier’s heart lurched at the thought that he hadn’t held Yuzuru’s hand in such a long time when he used to do it often. 

After sitting, Yuzuru looked at Javier expectantly. “You must order food for me,” he said, and Javier grinned at the obvious challenge.

“I think after enough years, I know how to navigate your picky little palate,” he teased, looking at the menu as their knees knocked together. “You like fish,” he said, and Yuzuru laughed.

“I am Japanese, of course I like fish,” he said, leaning closer so he could see the menu as well, even if Javier knew he had no clue what it said. 

Javier hummed. “You don’t eat fried food, which is a bit of a problem, but no matter. This place has a seafood soup I think you will like.”

Yuzuru watched curiously as he ordered for them, and once the waiter had gone, Yuzuru smiled. “You must eat here much. He know you,” he said, and Javier nodded.

“My apartment isn’t far from here,” he said, and Yuzuru perked up. 

“Can I go see cat?!” he asked excitedly, clutching at his chest. “I miss her. She so sweet,” he cooed.

Javier raised an eyebrow but smiled. “Sure. We can go visit Effie.” He chuckled. “You miss her more than you miss me,” he accused, and Yuzuru huffed.

“I not!” He reached out and grabbed Javier’s hand, pouting. “I miss Javi much.” His pout turned into a smirk. “But Effie cute and fluffy. Javi just boy, Effie is sweet cat!” 

His smile turned Javier’s stomach into a butterfly cage. 

“How are you?” Javier asked Yuzuru. “In life. In general,” he clarified.

Yuzuru sighed. “I… I am not to skate anymore, I think,” he confessed. “I want so much,” he whispered. “But ankle is bad.” He shook his head. “I can skate and jump for little while and then it hurt so much.”

Javier squeezed his hand. “What will you do?” he asked carefully. 

Yuzuru smiled and shrugged. “I skate as long as I can in show and then I will see.” He looked at the table. “Maybe I go a while and see world. Try to visit places and learn more about world.”

“That works,” he said softly. “I want you to be happy,” he whispered, and Yuzuru glanced up and met his eyes.

“What about Javi?” he asked, trying to brighten up. “Do fun things recent? How Camila is?”

Javier’s smile faded a little. “We broke up a while ago,” he said with a shrug. Yuzuru frowned and Javier scrunched his nose. “It was really over as soon as she moved out. We tried, but it wasn’t right.” He stroked absently at the back of Yuzuru’s hand. “I think I wanted something so much I tried to make it work with her but it wasn’t meant to.”

Yuzuru frowned a bit. “I am sorry,” he said, then smiled sadly. “I guess when she find out about me, it was beginning of end, huh?”

“Don’t think it’s your fault,” Javier said softly. “I made choices I probably shouldn’t have, but I regret nothing.”

Yuzuru raised an eyebrow. “Really? You do not regret?”

Javier looked him in the eye. “The only thing I regret from this past year is hurting you, Yuzuru. But besides that? Nothing.”

“If we did not sleep together, I would not be hurt and Camila will not be leave you,” Yuzuru said, and Javier shook his head.

“How can I regret something so special to me?” Yuzuru blushed and ducked his head. 

“Javi, you must not say this things,” he said bashfully. 

Javier loved how cute Yuzuru got when he blushed, and he didn’t let go of his hands until their food came. 

~

Yuzuru wasn’t sure what he was doing as he held Javier hand after letting Javier buy him lunch and walked with him back to his apartment. It felt like a date, and Yuzuru didn’t know how to take that. He had arrived early in Madrid to get acclimatized to the time change, not to go on a date. It only got stranger knowing that Javier was single now and was treating him like this.

When they got to Javi’s apartment, the first thing Yuzuru noticed was it felt more like a home than his apartment had back in Canada. He noticed Javier took his shoes off at the door and smiled in amusement. Javier saw him and grinned. “You Japanese have changed me forever,” he joked and Yuzuru giggled as he followed him. “Effie!” he called, walking around looking for her. Yuzuru followed him and they found her curled up on the couch. “Awwww, mi princessa!” 

Yuzuru walked over and smiled brightly as he reached down to pick her up. She looked confused for a while before she seemed to recognize Yuzuru when she sniffed him. Yuzuru beamed as she cuddled into his chest. “Ahhhh, she remember me.” He cooed and cuddled her, resting his cheek on her head. “I love kittens.” 

“She loves you, too,” Javier said, coming over to kiss her head, putting his face inches away from Yuzuru’s. “Would you like something to drink?”

Yuzuru shook his head, smiling. “I good.” He sat down on the couch and cuddled Effie. “Hey, baby,” he whispered in his own language. “You’re so pretty. I missed you.” He petted her gently, smiling as she sleepily blinked. “Do you like being in Spain? Have you ever been here before now? I can’t remember if you were born in Canada or not.”

Eventually, Javi came back with coffee for himself and water for Yuzuru even if he said he didn’t need it. Effie got tired of Yuzuru’s cuddling and ran away, and Yuzuru smiled sadly as she ran off. Javier sat beside him and Yuzuru smiled. “This feel like few times when I used come to your home in Canada.”

Javier hummed. “I miss you too,” he said, and Yuzuru looked across the couch at him. Javier reached out and brushed his hair from his forehead. “I want you to see something.” Yuzuru watched as Javier stood up and went into the hallway. Yuzuru frowned and then followed him. He followed Javier’s retreating back until he found himself in the doorway to a bedroom. Javier went to his dresser and got something out. When he came back, Yuzuru’s throat tightened.

Javier was holding his medal. 

Javier came to him and held it up and put it around his neck. “Gold medalist, Yuzuru Hanyu,” he whispered and Yuzuru looked up at him with wide eyes. 

“I give this to you,” he said, and Javier smiled.

“I want to give it back to you,” he said, and Yuzuru shook his head, frowning some. 

“I still owe everything to you. This is yours,” he said, hands going to the medal on his chest. “It is important for me for you have this.”

Javier leaned closer, their breaths mingling between them. “I would rather have you,” he breathed, and Yuzuru’s breath hitched in his throat.

“W-what?” Yuzuru whispered. 

Javier’s hand came up to brush his jaw and he leaned even closer. “After this week, when will I see you again? If you’re done, and I’m done, then what if I never see you but once a year for a few years and that’s it?” Yuzuru whimpered as he thought about the same thing, and he closed his eyes when Javier’s thumb brushed his bottom lip. “Stay with me,” Javier whispered, breath tickling Yuzuru’s lips. 

“Javi, how you mean?”

“Exactly what you think,” Javier whispered, and Yuzuru felt a hand going around his waist and Javier’s hand slid around the back of his head. Javier’s forehead touched his and Yuzuru’s heart nearly leapt from his throat. “You’re the most important person I have ever met, and I need to know I won’t lose you.”

“Why are you saying this thing?” Yuzuru asked. “I want this months ago and you tell me it is impossible. Why you suddenly want?”

Yuzuru’s chest hurt when Javier pulled him closer. “Because I wasn’t sure of what I wanted from life, but now I am,” Javier whispered.

“And why you think you know now?”

Javier tipped his chin up and Yuzuru opened his eyes, only to see Javier smiling at him. “Because I love you.”

Yuzuru whimpered. “I want hear that for so long,” he gasped out, and instantly Javier’s lips were on his. Yuzuru sank into the kiss, sliding his hands into Javier’s hair. He moaned into the kiss even as tears slid down his cheeks. Javier held him closer, hands roaming his body, and Yuzuru could feel Javier’s groan in his chest. “Javi,” he rasped out when they broke to breathe, and Javier’s hands were _everywhere_ , touching him like he was something Javier never thought he could ever hold again. “I love you,” gasped, and Javier laughed against his lips. 

“I wanted to hear that so badly.”

Yuzuru smiled as he and Javier looked into each other’s eyes with so much happiness between them. He could feel Javier’s hands trembling where they held his waist, and he could feel Javier’s chest heaving against his. Yuzuru remembered the last time that happened and suddenly the blood rushed through his body more hotly. He noticed again that they were in Javier’s bedroom, and he suddenly bit his lip. “Javi,” he whispered, looking at him through hooded eyes. “Javi, I know what want for apology for such stress.” 

Javier frowned curiously. “Yes?” he asked, and Yuzuru slid his hands do Javier’s chest and down his stomach, pressing closer. “Yuzu?”

Yuzuru stepped back some, tugging Javier by his shirt towards the bed. “You must make up to me,” he teased, and Javier looked very surprised.

“You want…” he trailed off, and Yuzuru smirked.

“You do not?” he countered, and Javier blushed slightly, but nodded. “Then fuck me,” Yuzuru purred, and then giggled when Javier instantly went slack-jawed. 

Yuzuru was hoping Javier wouldn’t let things get awkward, and he was not disappointed. When they fell into bed together, Javier was _everywhere_. He touched and kissed and explored every inch of Yuzuru’s body. When it came to sex, Yuzuru hadn’t had sex this way but one time, and yet Javier was so careful without being too gentle, and as their bodies came together, it was everything Yuzuru ever wanted and didn’t really know he could have. 

The feeling of Javier inside of him, on top of him, and all around him was so overwhelmingly beautiful that Yuzuru almost cried as they looked into each other’s eyes, panting together as their bodies worked in sync, searching for their mutual pleasure. “Nene,” Javier panted, his hand touching Yuzuru’s face. “I love you. Te amo. Yuzuru,” he panted.

Yuzuru whined, tightening his legs around Javier’s waist, pulling him even deeper inside of him. “Love Javi. Love you.” He clawed at broad shoulders, whining. “Good. Much good. Javi!” he moaned. “Kiss,” he demanded, and Javier kissed him possessively, claiming his mouth in desperation and love. 

Yuzuru found his climax with tears on his face and Javier’s name on his lips. Javier followed soon after with love written into every line of his face as he looked into Yuzuru’s eyes. 

~

Javier couldn’t imagine a more perfect moment as he lay with Yuzuru in his arms, bare skin still damp with sweat from their lovemaking, as Yuzuru looked at his gold medal as he lay on Javier’s chest. It was so perfect, because he didn’t have any fear of this having to end. “I have never felt more content than I do right now,” he murmured, fingers absently stroking Yuzuru’s stomach under the covers. 

Yuzuru hummed, rolling his head back to smile at him. “I am happy,” he said, rolling around until he was facing Javier, his hand with the medal falling onto Javier’s chest. “I cannot imagine be more happy than now.”

Javier grinned slowly. “Hey, Yuzuru.” Yuzuru hummed. Javier brushed his hair from his face. “Marry me.”

Yuzuru’s eyes widened and he sat up, looking down at him. “What?”

“Let’s do it,” he said, tugging Yuzuru back down. “Let’s get married.” He rolled them over, looking down at Yuzuru. “We could do it after the show is over.” He leaned down and kissed him sweetly. “You can stay here, with me. We can fill out all the paperwork and stuff, and then in a month your family can come and we can have a wedding,” he said, daydreaming of a perfect autumn wedding. “We can spend our lives together. We don’t even have to stay here, if you don’t want. We can move to anywhere in the world you want to go.”

Yuzuru looked overwhelmed but he didn’t look opposed to the idea. “Javi…” He reached up and touched his face. “Why?”

Javier shrugged. “Why not?” He kissed his hand. “I love you. I want to spend my life with you.” He held him close, not wanting to let an inch of distance separate them. “I wasted so much time I should have been with you, Yuzuru. I don’t want to waste anymore. I want to be with you and never let you go now.”

Yuzuru smiled, looking nervous but not afraid. “This so sudden, Javi.” He giggled. “It crazy. What I do, just call mother and say, ‘Oh by way, I get engaged to man I am not dating, we skip it all’?”

Javier laughed at the thought but nodded. “Yes,” he said simply. “You tell your mother that we’re in love and I want to marry you.” 

Yuzuru looked at him closely. “What if I want try still skate? I think I maybe am done but maybe not. If I get okay and skate more, what happen?”

Javier brushed a kiss to his cheekbone. “Then I will come to every competition you participate in and cheer for my husband.” 

Yuzuru gave him a breathtaking smile. “Husband,” he whispered dreamily, and Javier knew then that he had his answer. Yuzuru giggled. “I want be Javi’s husband.”

“Marry me?” Javier asked again, and Yuzuru beamed 

“Yes.”

~

“And in other news in the sports world today, double Olympic champion figure skater Yuzuru Hanyu married his long time training mate and rival Javier Fernandez in a private ceremony in Madrid, Spain this weekend. Though there had been little speculation into the couple’s relationship before, their marriage comes as, reportedly, no big surprise to fellow competitors around the world. 

Though the couple in question were not available for comment regarding the future of their careers in competitive figure skating, fans have expressed an out pouring of support on a social media post by Fernandez showing the newlyweds kissing at the altar.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for coming with me in this journey!!!


End file.
